i hate fear.


there are so many things to fear in our lives. i fear for myself when i drive. i fear the hidden traffic police on over head bridges or behind trees. it isnt so bad if i get stopped on the spot. its the fear brought about by anticipation, having to live life with doubts clouding your mind.

it was raining terribly today. traffic police are humans too. im sure they wouldnt want to be caught in the rain wasting their time catching speeding drivers. besides, i witnessed 2 accidents on my way home. surely they would be better off helping these ppl. i should be safe from speeding fines. i have no choice. i HAVE to be safe.

i fear rejection. i fear isolation. rejection is hard to predict. once in awhile, life throws you all sorts of nonsense, and one form of it would be rejection. its an intrinsic part of our miserable existence, totally unavoidable. unless you have some mutant powers to work probabilities in your favour. but because i fear rejection, i lead a life of avoidance and escapism. that way, i delay rejection, and i buy myself a few more hours, days, weeks, months of an illusion of happiness.

inevitably, rejection leads to isolation. men are gregarious creatures. i see nothing wrong in fearin isolation. isolation brings depression, and in the long term, hallucinations occur. depression and hallucinations arent exactly the things you wish to find under ur christmas tree on christmas day. so i try. i try to assimilate, but its not working. its fate. i cant fight fate, and no matter how much i fear isolation, im perhaps just destined to face and embrace lonliness.

i fear heights. i never liked to look down. i always looked up. being high above the ground, and actually noticing it, brings about in me a fear of impending doom. what goes up has to come down, and the higher u go, the harder you fall. so reach for your dreams and the stars if you want to, but don't look back and don't ever regret, because looking back will only make you notice how high up you are, and that is where uncertainess and fear sets in, and then you'll fall. and you don't want to fall. it hurts too much to fall.

i would know.

i fear fear itself. perhaps i need to remove my amygdala; perhaps that would be the only solution to all my fears. hypersexuality cant be that bad now, can it. there's so much to fear in this world.

what do you fear?



i wish i felt nothing.

within 3 days, i lost everything i thought i had. perceptions change, and i'll learn to forget but i don't think i'll ever forgive. things will never be the same again no matter how hard i try. who was i kidding. happiness isnt for forever. it never is, never will be.

Say when you're alone
It's better 'cause nobody knows you
When no one's your friend
It's better 'cause nobody leaves you
So you turned your back
On a world that you could never have
'Cause your heart's been cracked
And everyone else's is goin' mad

But I hear voices
And I see colors
But I wish I felt nothing
Then it might be easy for me
Like it is for you

Now all of these people
Come up from deep holes
Pullin' you down
And it's just no use
When all the abuse follows you down
By the morning you've gone
Leavin' me here all alone
Sayin' it's no mystery
I know that nobody here needs me

And I know you believe that you and me don't belong here
And the worst we could do
Is keep trying to pretend we care


dear god,

please bless those who have died in innocence. who have died without guilt nor sins. to those who have died with much regret, who didnt get a chance to see that there is so much more beauty to life. offer them a place amongst your children, give them endless supply of food and happiness. let them finally grow up in peace. i beg of you. amen.


its all over.

21 grams. i would like to think i'll lose a whole lot more than that in death. but perhaps thats it. i feel my heart adrift again.



god-forsaken.

i hope i can pass this time round. passing is not too much to ask for is it. i felt breathless. i need this to happen for me. if i fail this, i have no idea what i would do.

and i realised dat i'm not alone in my obsession with the number 23. first i think it appeared as one of the numbers in lost, then i heard about a movie being prduced around the obsession with 23, and now tristanprettyman has revealed that her album was titled 23 because she shared the same obsession as me. and tristan prettyman happens to be one of my favourite artistes. i really ought to go for her concert. twentythree. its been so long, 10 years now in fact, and yet it lingers.

17 more days now. i can wait.



joke of the day.

i don't get it. i really don't. some people study and do well. i study like hell and i can still fail. and i failed terribly. whats the point in me studying then. and someone even had the audacity to ask me if i studied. of course i fucking did. its not like i think i can don't study and still do well. then there are those who do well and be disappointed. such ppl ought to be shot.

fuck this life. maybe i'm just not cut out for this. i need something to hold on to, and you're not helping. i long for the past.

18 more days. just 18 more days before you return.

and as for the joke, the corn fell into the mud. geddit?


A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

the times all seem so wrong for me. fuck it.




melissa from just the two of us from the dance floor is really hot.


my rational decision.

if you could have a superpower, what would you want it to be? i always thought of that as a wonderfuly interesting question for the interviews. the first time i actually sat down and thought abt it was back in j1 when i was trying to prepare for the council selection interview. they never did ask that question and i never did make the cut. but thats not the point. at that point of time, i had one answer fixed in my mind. that was the ability to let the ppl around me be happy. my reasoning is that, if everybody around me is happy, then there's no reason for me not to be happy is there. wrong. that was pure youthful thinking. truth is, sometimes when you want the ppl around you to be happy, it might end up as an expense of your own. of cos, it'll be selfish for me to say that i dun want ppl around me to be happy just because its at my expense. its just that it must suck to have it as ur superpower and happiness is granted to ppl around you everyday at my expense. one blow is often enough, i don't need any more.

so wat would my superpower be. definitely something useful. flying for example, wouldn't be useful because i'll be a freak. so there goes tissue regeneration as well. or the ability to melt anything thats metal. or having radioactive hands.

the power of pursuasion would definitely be my choice. its evil if used without rationality, but its more practical than anything else. i think if i had it, i would abuse it. many things i could change. life would change. its not right. maybe i'll go back to the start. i'll just want myself to be happy. at all times, whatever scenario is presented to me. and hopefully it doesn't have to be at the expense of the ppl around me.

simple wish isn't it. but its often simple things that make life hard.

so to faithful readers, there won't be any more updates. not in the forseeable future. i have a lot of things to say though. a lot of useless theories such as the superficiality of animals. so u can try checking back abt one and a half months from now though. for now i would just like to fade away for awhile.

Sit down, give me your hand
I'm gonna tell you the future
I see you, living happily
With somebody who really suits ya
Someone not me

Stand still. Breath in
Are you listening?

You don't know
Somebody's aching. Keeping it all in
Somebody won't let go of his heart but the truth is
It's painless
Letting your love show

Break down. Give me some time
I don't want the fear to confuse ya
Right now, it's so wrong
But maybe it's all in the future with
Someone not you

Stand still. Breath in
Are you listening?

You don't know
Somebody's aching. Keeping it all in
Somebody won't let go of his heart but the truth is
It's painless
Letting your love show

Maybe truth, maybe lies
Made me want you
Maybe dumb, maybe wise...?
I don't know




anatomy of a one night stand.


its amazing actually. i haven't written anything for so long because of the exams, and i tot every second of my life was more worthwhile if i spent it on work. well, obviously that move didn't pay off and here i am, back again. i realised that the last i time i wanted to write something, it was when george bush was still in singapore. i wanted to write about how i actually got to see the whole presidential convoy which consists of 2 presidential cars, and 10 million suvs and a helicopter. it was really quite an experience. its like every little boy dream to want to be part of that grand convoy, holding a gun, speaking in some top secret jargon, protecting someone important. but i realised that if i was really one of them, i'll be wishing day and night that somebody would kill the VIP. only in that way would i actually have something to do. so i guess i won't make a good seucrity guard after all.

the next issue i wanted to bring out was the issue of the piggybacking of wireless internet by that small kid. i never got down to finding out wat was his sentence in the end, but when i first read abt it, my impression was that its such a harmless crime! and that its other ppl's fault for not protecting their own wireless network anyway. its like opening their house doors wide open when their not at home, and expect no one to come in to 'browse'. then i read an article that totally changed my viewpoint. it stated that these ppl were similar to the geek form of rapists. these rapists use the argument that because girls wear short skirts, they were inviting ppl to rape them. this is the exact same argument that i was now using to defend the kid who piggybacked on a wireless network. and dat really scares me. its almost like a societal erosion of values, given that i was not the only one who thought of it dat way. so i'm now strongly against wireless piggybacking. i hope that kid gets sentenced to a lifetime in jail. (as you can see, this is old news. one can just hide in starbucks these days and listen to christmas carols while piggybacking on wireless sg.)

next up, my solution for resolving the issue of an ageing population. did u realise that in 15 years time, china would have close to one fifth of the worlds population that is above 60. its scary. their one child policy is really screwing them up. but then again, any other policy would have had its repercussions as well. but its not very much of my concern. my concern is singapore. another way to solve the ageing population? implement a catholic state. devout catholics have amazing policies dat are pro childbirth. i'm not saying this with any harmful intent of disturbing our religious harmony. but its just an idea. i'm strong anti-religion myself, so perhaps it wouldn't work. singapore is fated to be doomed.

oh and since its christmas and the season to party, and that everybody around me is driving, i tot i'll feed you guys with a little knowledge on singapore laws. did u know its illegal to just sit behind the steering wheel of your car, drunk? without even turning on your engine. hell, your key doesn't even need to be in the ignition and you could already be arrested. its something like a 'predicted crime' along the lines of that in minority report. scary, but true.

and then there's the recent wave of suicidal singaporeans who decided that mrt tracks were the best place in the whole wide world to put their miserable lives to an end. i've been trying to think of ways to stop these from happening. so far, ideas such as implementing better brakes (train will still cut you aprart no matter how slow its going), implementing guards (they wouldn't stop you in time), placing glass doors at stations (too costly) and starting a whole new generation of magnetic trains (even more costly). so my undefeatable solution is : setting up a station specifically for ppl to jump onto the tracks, where the trains only go back and forth with crushing you as the main reason. as such, train services will not be disrupted and the lost of revenue wouldn't be so high. besides, since there wouldn't be anybody but suicidal ppl at that station, professional counsellors can be on hand to try to talk ppl out of jumping. personally, i think the idea still needs a little bit of tweaking, but at least its the most feasible so far. better still, place that station near a fire station, so that the fire engines can hose down the tracks afterwards. place a fine on ppl who jump at any other stations rather than the suicide station, such dat it would be more attractive to jump at the suicide station instead. some ppl say i make stupid policies. i think i have the best ideas for the best policies.

my latest train of thought? how to make jurong bird park a better place for us all. as we all know, jurong bird park is crap. anybody can forsee its eventual shutting down without even using a crystal ball. its headed for the pits together with the crocodile farm. well, all dats about to change. i'm going to help think of ideas to make the bird park a better place for us all.

and that marks it for now. i'm off to taiwan. try not to have anything while i'm gone. ( i can't believe it. some ppl are only free the day i leave and will probably be busy again when i get back. just my luck. i think i'll never be able to watch casino royale ) i'm looking forward to christmas parties and new year parties already. i haven't celebrated for 2 years. can u imagine how sad i am? oh. and the very first 21st birthday celebration! you better put me on your invite list okay. i already know wat to get you for your birthday already. hahahha. its going to be big! the party i mean, not the present.

oh. congrats to all who have failed their driving exams twice, and finally passed! i look forward to have more ppl fetching me around. haha. and at least you didn't make it as the first person i know who has failed thrice. AND i'm sorry if i dun reply to all the meaningful christmas cards from thoughtful friends. i really dun have the time to send them out before christmas. maybe before 2007 you'll get it. hahah. but its really nice. makes me happy. and if anybody is free, you have to go to that cd shop, and take a listen to their collection of 'high society' discs. its totally breathtaking. in fact if you buy them, please lend them to me. check out the high society paris disc. you guys HAVE to get it. and g take a sniff at ralph lauren blue! i think its the best. i can't believe how good you smell with it.

okay i love you guys. have fun while i'm gone. may there be much more coffee and dinners and parties to come.



for ppl who use facebook/myspace/friendster.

Facebook: Hey.
MySpace: Sup.
Facebook: So…how’s it going?
MySpace: It’s going great, actually. How are things with you?
Facebook: Not bad. Not bad at all.
MySpace: I mean, you had a pretty good idea to start with.
Facebook: Now what is THAT supposed to mean.
MySpace: You and I both know that you based Facebook on MySpace.
Facebook: WHAT!? That’s ridiculous. I don’t see your users poking each other!
MySpace: That’s because my users aren’t GAY.
Facebook: No no, it’s not like that, it’s like a poke on the shoulder. Or something.
MySpace: Oh, ok….GAY.
Facebook: Well it’s not as gay as Tom.
MySpace: You take that back.
Facebook: I will not.
MySpace: You take that back RIGHT. NOW.
Facebook: (singing) Tom is gay, Tom is gay.
MySpace: Yeah well at least he’s not looking for ‘whatever he can get.’
Facebook: Hey - we added that option as a JOKE.
MySpace: Oh, sure you did. Just like you added Live Feed to ‘keep people up to date.’
Facebook: Don’t even start with Live Feed. We asked our users what they wanted!
MySpace: Oh yeah, nice open letter, you homo.
Facebook: IT’S IMPORTANT TO KNOW WHAT THE USERS WANT!
MySpace: Lame.
Facebook: You’re just jealous because your users are all old and creepy now.
MySpace: If by old and creepy you mean famous musicians, then yes, yes they are.
Facebook: That is NOT what I meant, I meant what I said.
MySpace: Watch it, Facebook. Don’t make me call my Top 8.
Facebook: Oh, I’m so scared. Well YOU don’t make me call my…my…
MySpace: Your what? Your “Friends We Have In Common”?
Facebook: Shut up, that’s a helpful feature! Better than “Who I’d Like To Meet.”
MySpace: Yeah, well you FREE IPOD CLICK HERE TO WIN
(pause)
Facebook: What the hell was that?!
MySpace: Oh nothing, don’t worry about that, I have a tic and sometimes-
Facebook: That was a pop-up, wasn’t it??
MySpace: I HAVE A TIC!!!
Facebook: Hahaha you have pop-ups and you can’t control them!
MySpace: I can to! I can stop them whenever I want!
Facebook: Whatever you say, sell-out.
MySpace: Oh I’m sorry, what? I can’t hear you over the sound of my money.
[Silence. A door opens]
Friendster: Oh, hey guys!! What's going on??
MySpace/Facebook: Fag.

for ppl who do not understand, 'Tom' is the name of the cofounder of myspace and is also your dfault friend which is automatically added when you join myspace. as for the facebook stuff, you can join facebook and find out for yourself. and for friendster, well, friendster's just gay.


i think i'm f*cked.

i can't remember anything for more than one day. i dun even like some of the things i'm studying. i can't concentrate. i hate my life. so wat better word is there to describe myself now.

so why don't u come back on another day when i have more constructive things to say.

you can mark my words, something's about to break.


burping bubble babes.

in a brave attempt to provide my blog with a makeover after recieving multiple complaints dat it is not reader friendly, the words are now no longer black, bigger, and more spaced out. the design is less contrived. and the tagboard is still in existence, although the scrollbars are transparent, so you would just have to estimate where the scrollbars are, in order to scroll. i'm happy. i hope everyone is happy as well. note, this blog was made for the viewing pleasure of ppl using IE and widescreen comps. ppl using firefox will have ugly scrollbars and ppl using square screen will have the background chopped off.

and i predict either dawn wong or lee he jing is going to win project superstarII (or to top the girls group, at least). i would definitely have supported kewei, but she dropped out. so watch my words, cause my predictions never fail to be spot on.



dota.nus.mugging.med.


why would anyone even bother searching with those keywords on google? well. some idiot definitely bothered and somehow my blog met the criteria of containing all those words. anyway, for that guy who searched those words, i have to state that dota and mugging are two separate entities. you really can't have both and want to excel at both. Its like a venndiagram where the intersection between dota and mugging is a nil entity. So on a brighter note, i just lost my wc3 cd today. hopefully, this would lead to better things to come.

"Magazines like Playboy are banned in Singapore, whose government frowns on liberal Western social values but at the same time is alarmed by the city-state's falling birth rate." Seriously, its quite a good quote. Totally brings out the irony of our state's policy. Doesn't the government understand the power of peripheral items which could indirectly lead to higher birth rates? Here are some stats. Only 36,000 babies were born in Singapore last year, short of the 50,000 needed annually to naturally replenish the population! fine. so i'm fighting a hopeless cause here, but its still worth a try. the government should open up all our small little islands and banish ppl to live on those islands. i read in another article that some country thought their population was relatively stable, until they tabulated their total population, including those on all their islands, and discovered that their population was much higher than expected. see wat wonders bored ppl on small islands can bring to our nation?

but this is old news. this past week has been a week filled with interesting updates. saddam got sentenced to death by hanging. democrats won and donald rumsfeld lost his iron rice bowl. the head of WHO is some jap lady. some guy got caught and sentenced for using his neighbour's wireless (wth i didn't even noe this was a serious offence). some beautiful mongolian model not only got killed, but also decapitated with the aid of a few explosives, and the main culprit involved has so much 'connections' that i suspect he might get away with it. there is a baby in india who survived childbirth despite having 4 arms AND 4 legs, and is now treated as a god. the world's record for the smallest waist is 15 inches (and its not like she's thin to start with). i would certainly like to explore the xrays of the last two ppl. it would be utterly amazing i believe. there should be a museum that publishes xrays like these. faith hill has ended up at the end of some very bad reputation because of wat she did at the country music awards. and the government RAISED THE GST TO A fucking 7%!

just wat is wrong with them. is 5% not enough?? wasn't it just 3% not too long ago? and now its 7%. if i follow postulate from this trend, my grandkids would be paying a hundred percent gst. lets break this down. gst is goods and services tax. but since there's already a 10% service charge at 99% of the places in singapore, the gst is effectively a goods tax. (why do we even call it GST? seriously.) so why are we paying for a higher goods tax? because the government is providing us with better quality goods, as opposed to lousy china made quality goods? because the government spends more effort in filtering out infected ducks/birds/cows/chickens so that singaporeans can eat at restaurants without any worries? because of higher petrol costs which equates to higher cost to transport the goods to and ard singapore? because goods like alcohol already has such a high tax that the government can't increase it any further without causing riots, and as such decide to implement a tax raise on EVERY OTHER good in singapore? WHY! why do taxes need to go up, when my pay certainly isn't. wat am i actually paying for? does the government not understand that 17% of a bill is very hard to calculate? maybe businesses should reduce the service charge to 8% in order to accomodate this unpecedented move by the government. maybe its the governments retaliatory move after one of their kind (aka w.s.m and her dad) was lambasted by the public, and to prove that the only the elite few in singapore still has utter control over our life and our savings. okay i didn't mean that, please don't arrest me.

moving on, apparently there has been a new release of photos of dap.hne teo. i know i've mentioned before that plastic surgery should be one's own decision and other's have no right to comment or chide you for it, but her new photos are really scary. her doe eyed look, has became strikingly similar to michael jackson, with the nose and the brows. personally, i do hope that she doesn't carry on walking the same path as the king of pop. having said that, i have to establish the fact that i'm a strong supporter of plastic surgery. its a wonderful field of medicine, and certainly a path worth pursuing if the army lets me. maybe i can give all the colonels and generals some botox such that they all look much younger. i agree with the cliche argument that enhancing beauty also enhances self confidence and thus enhances the quality of life. so wat if its limited to the rich and the elite (especially after the rise in gst), its certainly good money. and wats wrong with having a few more good looking singaporeans around? it will most definitely help to boost our birth rate. i think i might need a lot of plastic surgery myself, if they were available for me.

facebook. the facebook fad has officially died. i'm no longer advertising for facebook, because i realise that the more frens i have, the more updates i get, and sooner or later i'll just end up spending 24 hours a day on facebook. besides, its sad to be on facebook when i have no photos to put up, esp after my hard drive got wiped out. and the fact that i haven't attended many events within the past months doesnt help. so enough facebook for now. i do not wish to end up as a facebook whore where i have ten million frens, whom i hardly know at all. (facebook groups are hilarious though. i can't help joining ten million of them.) however, its also through face book that i've learnt that many ppl i used to know, have now started using english names. i really wonder why. is it dat hard to live with an english name overseas? hm. can i call myself O'Connor. O'Connor Teo. thats like having a double surname.

and talking abt overseas, sometimes i really do wished i had chosen to study overseas instead. seriously, studying overseas is about a million times more fun than studying in singapore. being the minority and the unique one? having total freedom and unstressful uni lives? having unlimited rave parties to attend? having cheap alcohol? having cold weather? NO GST HIKES? i would give anything just to study overseas for a year or so. those lucky fellas. sigh. i think the best is christmas. christmas in singapore is never christmas. christmas is never christmas without the snow, the cold weather, the large fir trees, the decorated houses and streets, the whole joyous atmosphere, the drinking of cheap booze in the cold, the snowmen. sigh. i'm missing christmas so much that my latest music collection was actually a bunch of christmas songs. i can't wait for christmas to come around again. at least this time i won't be in a camp/hospital. its been so long since i've had a proper christmas celebration. singapore's christmas may not be much, but at least its still something.

and can you believe how many ppl haven't heard of the song 'i can't get no (satisfaction)'? its like an utter classic. how can ppl not know it?

I've held my breath
Walked on shells hoped for the best
What the future holds
I don't know
I've gotta stand up, dust myself off
Just for now
It's the end of the road



of course the man's funny. he's a lunatic.

a brilliant ad stated, " According to psychologists, no one is immune to MADNESS. 1 in 5 of us wil suffer from some form of mental illness such a eating disorder and anxiety attacks. Mental disorder, clearly, isn't somebody else's problem. One day it'll come calling; if not you, then, perhaps on a RELATIVE, on a close friend."

i wonder wat my mental illness would be. if i'm going to be stricken by it, let it be something cool like schizophrenia. i dun want it to be an eating disorder. or an obsessive compulsive disorder.

and for all those ppl who feel like u are too inadequate and would like to train for something unique, visit this. http://www.glumbert.com/media/beerbottle. it doesn't require much to pick up the new skill. just a helicopter and some beer bottles. gives proof that americans and japs are actually quite creative when they have a lot of time on their hands, amidst fighting wars and visitng war shrines.



quote of the week


flowers are only good for the first 3 seconds they are recieved.

i certainly never knew dat. i always tot flowers were beautiful! cos they look great when they come in a bouquet, and that they can't be returned when things go wrong because they dun even last dat long. plus they add colour to the room. plus i tot it was one of those cheesy but traditional items. wweellll. now i know much better. i just hope its not an overgeneralised statement dat not everybody agrees with. now the challenge is to find out wats good for more than 3 seconds. something dat could at least last 3 hours would be decent enough i guess. i'm open to ideas. anybody?

the airport. the airport brings back many memories for me. perhaps its because i'm not a frequent traveller, and as such, going to the airport is always of a certain significance to me. in fact, i can remember almost the exact events that occured during the few times i was at the airport. from travelling, to getting 'deported', to mugging, to sending ppl off. time flies, and much of it left are only memories. i love the airport. nostalgia hits once again when u return to the familiar spots. the bks. nostalgia led me to blog surfing. and blogsurfing led me to joan's webpage. i felt saddened just being back there actually. the song is quite touching. oh and there is a new book and cd being sold. do visit her page for more info.

i hate ppl who blog whores. i hate ppl who put keywords which are of no relevance in their posts such dat ppl would reach their site from search engines. ppl who put their blogs in their nicks in their blog is not so bad. but i had to resort to the second grooup of ppl. i feel ashamed of myself. but i realised my blog is unknown to many ppl. as such, i find it pointless to even post my societal changing ideas on my blog when nbdy even reads it. so i decided to blog whore. so for the uninitiated and new, just ctrlA and scroll down. there are no dates on the posts, and an unlimited number of posts and a tagboard. my weekly entires are often damn long, so try to sieve through the boring and unimportant rants and read watever dat is left. and pardon my spelling and grammatical errors because i never ever proofread my entries.

and do come back once in awhile.

okay that is just humiliating. having to resort to advertising and publicity. at least i'm not a photowhore. photo whores have to be damn good looking and obviously i'm not near dat category and photowhoring would be nothing but plain disgusting. THE MAIN PURPOSE THOUGH, is that i'm just hoping to catch up with some long lost friends, since the class and og blogs that were setup a long time ago during the blog-faze are mostly dead and efforts to revive them are often fultile. 4p ppl and odacians, pls take note. and talking abt catching up, do join facebook.com. its the new college friendster that seemed to have caught on in the states and uk a long time ago, but is only starting to make waves in singapore right now. so, have both facebook and friendster. and then add me. or explain to me how it works. its really quite confusing.

holidays are coming. christmas and newyear is coming. now that we are all slightly older and have slightly greater spending power, does anybody have any plans that i can crash along with. i need plans. i need good plans. i need plans that actually include me. christmas 'gatherings'? short overseas trips? pick me. choose me. love me. feed me with ideas and i'll try to make something happen. i really dun wish my dec hols to pass like dat, only doubing and mugging. now that all my movie buddies are either gone or have long forgotten me or decided i was the most boring person alive, i even need ppl to watch some of the christmas blockbusters with me. after the exams, at least. hols are coming. i'm so excited. looking forward to the return of some ppl.

wat a sad day. the day when i sold myself to meet the demands of the world.

I'm lost
I'm cold
I'm getting old
My head is filled with lies I told.



i should start writing my placards now.


new week, new things learnt.

i've discovered why i liked 'love actually' so much. its one particular scene dat strikes resonance with me. its that one scene dat i can never forget. i need another feel good christmas movie this year.

i've discovered that, something that is 'touching' just means its happening to someone else. 'sad', is when it happens to you.

i've discovered that an advance version of my priorities in life theory, is also known as the value chain theory. its a more refined version, which gives more leeway, and actualy allows you to do anything u want as long as it adds value to ur goal. i've invested too much. anymore value i add wouldn't make a difference. immediately, decisions were changed.

i've discovered that the meaning of nostalgia is bittersweet longing, being wistful and excessively sentimental. as much as u would like to put it across as, i still think its sad.

i've discovered that walking through a particular underpass at buona vista gives me the feeling of nostalgia.

i've discovered that 'i remember you' is a great song to be listening to, when u're feeling nostalgic. it totally adds to the mood.

i've discovered that i use the word 'seriously' a lot. without any forms of influence, so dun attribute it to something i picked up from somewhere.

i've discovered that there's actually so much of you i don't know abt.

i've discovered that the time in my life is finally here. the time where everybody goes their separate ways. the time where geographical distances will play a part in our partings. the time where we learn to grow up, break out, and still try to hold on as much as we can to our wonderful memories. the time where we have to realise that things are never going to go back to how it was before, the youth, the cluelessness, the abundance of time, the indulgence, the retardedness, the gay tendencies, the crappy conversations, the childish trips and pushes, the uncouth cursing and shouting and laughing in public. its a diff stage now, and i hope we dun give up. i hope we all won't give up. the time is here, but dun let it be the time which it ended.

i've discovered that some friends mean the most to me. and dat some friends are destined to be nothing more for the rest of their lives.

i've discovered that i dun like ppl who flame other ppl's blog. putting wxxsxxmxx aside cos she actually voiced her opinions, but lets talk abt dawn yeo/yang and daphne teo. why do ppl even care wat kind of life they lead. so wat if they had wonderful cosmetic surgery dat made them look great, or so wat if they wrote abt an extravagant life in a bimbotic way. its their life. why pick on them? just cos u pathetic losers out there are jealous? just because they're from rjc, and its so easy to pick on rjc ppl cos anybody whos from rjc and has a personality and is not from the pap is someone u can pick on because u think rjc are full of nerds. go do something else rather than flame ppl for their behaviour or their personal life. ppl out there have blogs where they talk abt nothing but their sex life. why dun u go dig out their history, and then publicise to the press and make a whole big hoohaa abt it. oh, i forgot, cos their not from rjc and as such u dun feel inferior to them and thus not jealous. the net is filled with such freaking idiots. if you're one of them, just go kill yourself pls. if ppl have an opinion u disagree with, aka wxxsxxmxx, fine, voice it out. and dats why i'm voicing out my opinion against these screwed up furballs.

i've discovered that i'm such a hypocrite. despite all that i've said, i actually went round bitching abt some 'lawfully' medical person. but at least i dun go flaming ppl on their own blogs.

i've discovered that getting caught in the rain doesn't make you sick after all.

i've discovered that braces sometimes screw up certain plans. and that they're a pain to live with.

i've discovered that its started all over again. and its going to pass with time. and that in a few months time, perhaps it'll come by again. i'll rise and fall with each tide, letting it carry me along, without ever having the guts to try to step on shore.

i've discovered that i should just start writing the placards now. it'll definitely come in useful in the future.

i've discovered that goodbye is not easy to say, especially when you know you actually mean it. its harder than to say i love you. saying i love you gives you hope, saying goodbye brings back memories which gush back all of a sudden. sorry to all those to whom i wasn't there to say goodbye to. i'm not very good with goodbyes. and sometimes i really wish i didn't haven't to stare into the future and realise dat its only a matter of time when i can't run anymore and i'm going have to say it to you. i hate this. i hate being melancholic. its pathetic how i'm can be reduced to nothing.


What's the deal with my brain?/Why am I so obviously insane?
In a perfect situation/I let love down the drain.

There's the pitch, slow and straight.
All I have to do is swing/and I'm the hero, but I'm the zero.

Hungry nights, once again/Now it's getting unbelievable.
Cause I could not have it better,/But I just can't get no play
From the girls, all around
As they search the night for someone to hold onto.
I just pass through.

Get your hands off the girl,
Can't you see that she belongs to me?
And I don't appreciate this excess company.
Though I can't satisfy all the needs she has
And so she starts to wander/Can you blame her?

Tell me there's a logic out there./Leading me to better prepare
For the day that something really special might come.

Tell me there's some hope for me.
I don't wanna be lonely
For the rest of my days on the earth.


auspicium melioris aevi. raffles forever.


its been quite some time. 2 weeks to be exact. posting has become quite tiring because i always have so much to say, but i'm too lazy to type it all out. so to start off, i would like to give more reasons on why we shouldn't be fat. being fat wastes our fuel. cars naturally need to use more energy to transport heavier ppl. studies have been done. and it shows dat personal savings are not really a lot. but as a country, the United States of A could save up to 2 billion dollars a year if everybody just lost a bit of weight. singapore shouldn't be dat far off. so start losing weight now, for the sake of our country. in fact, the government should levy an overweight tax so that ppl would lose weight and save fuel. but as seen from previous arguments, its really hard to determine if someone is overweight or underweight. there's really no proper gauge to do it. i'll tell you again when i come up with one.

so there i was in the canteen today, discussing on the issue on how we should promote teen sex in order to raise the birth rate. expectedly, nobody agreed with me, which makes me ponder why. i realised wat i'm promoting here is not promiscuity. pormiscuity is wrong. its not right to have multiple sex partners, and forgo all responsibility which comes afterward. i'm promoting true love during ur teenage years, early marriages and young parents! but the ladies strongly disagree. their point is, if they have kids, they want to be able to put in time to take care of them, and not have them for the sake of the birth rate, and since they value their career over kids, they won't be having kids (anytime soon at least). isn't that selfish? putting ur own needs before the greater good for the country. their retort are along the lines of how they have no career and no money, so would it be considered as selfish to want the best for their kid, and since they cannot provide for the kid, thus decide not to have one. so think abt it. wouldn't it be selfish for you kid and future generations to come, if your decision eventually leads to a dying population? i can't even forsee how chaotic it might be when our population diminishes below the critical amt needed to sustain a country. its everybody's responsibility! so technically not having sex is iresponsible. anyway i was thinking, the government should just ban contraceptives. dat works as well, doesn't it.

so on monday i had the great movie double bill of the prestige and death note. i felt death note was lousy. lousy in the sense that the ending was completely unsatisfying. i was waiting for a resolution ( having not known that there was a second part ), dat never came. and given all the loopholes and the cheesy 'tng tng' followed by a whirlpool 'wao wao' animation and then ppl just die of acute cardiac infarction, was just wrong. and the power of the deathnote was too imba. its about how fast that guy could write within 6 mins 40 seconds. and the rules of the death book was in english. quite wth. but it served its purporse. now i have to catch the second part of it, or else i'll feel damn 'dulan'. the prestige, on the other hand, was wonderful. the book probably wasn't as powerful as the imagery given in the film. the ending was quite mind twisting as i didn't expect it. but then there were unexplained things, like how the light bulbs managed to light up when he stuck it in the ground. but i was totally enthralled by it, because the whole concept of it was precisely wat i was pondering abt one week prior to the movie.

wireless electricity. that was the only logical explanation to it. and something i wanted to invent. tats the only thing tying us down! wireless net without wireless electricity still means that our computers are not portable! and i can assure u if u can come up with the physics concept of wireless electricity, u'll get a nobel prize. isn't that big an incentive enuf? but i'm studying medicine so i can't dedicate my life to it. for my dear friends studying pure physics, please try. dun say its impossible. einstein didn't say it was impossible when he came up with electricity in the first place. just remember to thank me for the idea when u collect ur nobel prize. oh and i also reserve all rights for invention of glowing carrots. i do remember that it was my first science project idea. how the hell i came up with glowing carrots, and why anybody would want glowing carrots, is beyond me. then it became glowing venus fly traps. which obviously wasn't approved as well. i must have been obsessed with the glowing gene in fireflies i think. eventually my project was just abt grinding up earth worms and use them as fertilizer for the venus fly traps. results were inconclusive, but wat an idea dun u agree.

i discovered a new show today! okay techinicaly i didn't discover it but at least its not popular in singapore yet, as far as i noe. its going to be the next prison break, where i was telling everybody dat it was great, but nbdy listened, and then when it won some award, everybody started asking me for it. anyway this show is called the nine. but i've only watched the pilot episode, so it might degenerate as the story progresses, but right now, its definitely worth catching. anyway i was also upset when i realised today that i didn't have greys anatomy to watch today, because they showed a repeat of the first episode. for fuck? its only episode 5, its not a recap or anything. its just for fun. anyway then i also discovered dat geroge o'mailey was gay. the actor, not the character. t.r.knight i think. he's openly gay and proud of it. its not supposed to affect his show's character though. i'm totally cool with it, but some ppl might have adverse rxn after they discover that their favourite character is gay though.

but on the issue of gays, why are lesbians so hot. just like gays are often metrosexual and well groomed, lesbians are just hot. its quite sad why they made their choice of sexuality that way. i met a pair of them at vivo city last week, when i paid our new shopping mall a visit. one of them was the usual masculine half, but the other one was. whoah. and they dress up so well. i'm not saying its universal! and that straight girls aren't hot. but its just something i noticed. so about vivocity. it has travellators. its only the fourth place to do so, after the airport, carrefour/ntuc and dhoby ghaut. wat troubles me is why ppl dun bother to walk on travellators. i mean, they'll still walk if it was a slope rite? and its just straight ground, wats so hard to walk on it. just because they are moving doesn't make dat an excuse to not walk. and even if they choose not to walk, can they not block the entire pathway?? some ppl actually want to walk. same for escalators. wat happened to the keep left if you're going to be stasis campaign? no wonder singaporeans are getting fat. why did they even have a travellator at dhoby ghaut mrt, i wonder. its faster walking given how ppl like to stop and block travellators. but back to vivocity. it was huge. and full of ppl to boot. so many retail shops! couldn't help but get myself some clothes. i think i'll be back there soon. its quite a smart time to open the shopping centre actually, given that this is the season of shopping, with christmas and new year coming up. its quite a nice place to chill out at night too, if they had a good bar and a live band. with the sea breeze at the decks, the place certainly has much potential. i didn't stop to check if there was a decent bar there though, given the bad haze dat day.

anyway backtrack to the issue of lesbians, dun u think good looking ppl can get away with anything they want or say? ppl get influenced by looks too easily. the point of this, was that the reason why the whole incident about this certain insensitive rjc student got blown up so big was partly cos she's pretty fugly. haha. of cos, there's the part where she displays her 'elitism' and the part where her dad is from pap and she's from rjc. as we shud noe, ppl like to slam rjc for some reason. my few cents worth is dat her arguments are not totally flawed. in fact, she's just giving the definition of a meritocratic society, which we all know as the system which the government works on. however, meritocracy is obviously a biased policy, favouring the smarter and richer ppl to start with, and leaving behind those who refuse to do anything but sit back and complain on blogs. she obviously has a headstart in life though, but then again who ever said life was fair. i feel that her communisim argument stands. maybe its the way she phrased it, that pissed ppl off. but it couldn't be, because her dad used the same argument and got slammed as well. i still feel that everybody is entitled to their own views, unless it provokes violence and hatred so i feel there's nothingwrong with wat she said! i think its quite tongue in cheek and witty. its definitely worth checking out. maybe its because its a rafflesian thing. ppl hate rafflesians, somehow. anybody can get in raffles btw, as long as ur results make the cut. its not like there are limited memberships available to a certain grp of ppl. so wats with this elitism association? ppl shud really wake up their ideas. however, so dat i won't get flamed, i would like to state dat I DUN SUPPORT HER. rite. I CAN'T STAND HER VIEWS. WAT A BLOODY ELITIST. does not do enough to cover my elite ass. hahaha. but seriously, its quite scary how something like dat can get blown up so big by netizens. just a few days ago, it was just a post, and then i predicted that it'll come up in the papers (which it did), and now her name is now in wikipidea, which is quite an accomplishment given dat she didn't add it herself. and there's a certain mar.cus oh who had to shut down his blog because he posted something supporting her views. thus the need for my disclaimer. and in caps as well. but at least now i'll remember to watch wat i say, and keep some things private. or at least not post it on blogs anyway. for more info, do visit xia.lan.xue.blogspot, without the fullstops of course. he brings up very interesting 'societal' issues, parodies and youtube videos.

or you could visit these for a few good laughs. and the tag board is up btw.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOqXlbWf9Io&eurl=
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vCXVFaawqJY&eurl=
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3NWm6mYUsE&eurl=
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3krLNeshsJA&eurl=
http://www.youtube.com/watch?eurl=&v=tLC4C8NHmXk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5sgZH_0443o&eurl=



invisible words.


its pretty amazing, really, how some ppl are like totally invisible in school. for two weeks, i haven't even seen the slightest bit of them ard. at all. for a moment, i tot they just stopped coming to school. wat a pity. i missed how life was before, rather than now. maybe its ur exams. but then again, my eyes somehow miss out on a lot of ppl. i'll walk past them nd not recognise them until they say hi. so will you please say hi to me the next time i walk by? so that i could just sit down and have a talk with you. its been quite some time and u still owe me one.

on the radio today, there was a mention of a study done in some hospital somewhere in US, and it showed that fat ppl now have more to worry abt. in the study, they tested the iq lvls of a sample group of ppl twice, and the results showed that within the sample size, for those ppl who have grown to become overweight, they had a marked decrease in iq lvl. (probably spending too much time slouching in front of their comps playing mmorpgs) so there are now more reasons to head towards the thin side, rather than the fat side. after all, nobody has proven that being anorexic results in a decrease in iq lvl, so it shud be safe for now. as such i shall plan my exercise egime. which will start only after my exams of cos, but i will definitely work towards it. anyway, i also discovered to my horror that i've become a fair person. after all that massive burning in vietnam,i'm back to the white sissy look again. this won't do. i need to go get dark again. come on, show me the sun, without the haze pls.

anyway, i've been talking to random ppl and somehow this topic of clothes was brought up a few times. the common complaint is that ppl are too bochap in wat they wear to school. ( esp the ppl who live in hall ) i mean, its a personal choice in wat you want to wear to school, but still, ppl dun go to school just for lessons. sometimes, it actually makes ur day to have nice ppl in nice clothes to look at. in fact, ppl talk abt clothes behind ur back more often than u think. like one would comment how someone looks so good in her clothes today, or how her shorts are so micro and her shirt is so oversized but she still looks good anyway cos she has the most amazing legs ever, how someone always bothers to dress up like she could go clubbing everynight, how smeone's dresses and shorts always seem to barely reaches her thighs, how she looks like she's always wearing pyjamas to sch, how she thinks she could pull off a fashionable 'fall' look with a scarf, how they look like they are going for orientation camps with bright orange tees, and how he looks like he's going for clinicals everyday, how he wears clothes with colours so unmatching that he looks like a nerdy prc scholar and how he wears sandsls with jeans. hm. thats how much bitching that could go behind ur back, just based on wat u wear. i'm of cos, guilty of the last one. but thats because of a foot condition! and somedays i'm just a walking fashion disaster, but at least i do put in some effort to not look so sloppy. some ppl just dun. i won't chide them, cos it isn't wrong, but i'm just saying (esp for girls, since girls have so so so so many diff types of clothes to buy ) that it doesn't take much to put on something decent to wear to sch everyday. unless of cos, u have a hot bod or a nice face or nice legs, then watever u put on won't matter i guess.

then there was an article in today's life. it was abt how makeup really makes one look much more beautiful, and that all these tv stars that we see on our primetime shows actually look like normal when take take off all their makeup. but its not like it reaches to an extent that ladies shud wear makeup to school. i think that takes far too much effort. anyway, its ultimately still just school, so who cares abt makeup. (apparently some actually do) "In his controversial 1995 book, The Evolution Of Desire, American psychology professor David Buss found, after surveying more than 10,000 people in 37 cultures, that men and women used different tactucs to triumph in the dating and mating game. While men flaunted their resources and strength, women preened and primped to stand out." no wonder females always take so long to dress up before spending a day out in town. guys, on the other hand, take as long as they do to dress up for school. haha.

in other news, does anybody actually noe how hard teeth are? if i attempt to screw a hole into my premolars, will they crack? i mean, this is given the fact that i have strong calcified teeth. cos my morbid orthodontist suggested to me that i could do that and make them into earrings or like a choker. and i actually spent some time considering it. does anybody do it? i think they might look odd. well, at least its still on you, rather than rotting away somewhere. i mean, how else could u show ur thanks to the premolars who have helped me so much in the past years.

my money has came in! i'm happy. although its unsubstantial, any rise in the amt of money in my acct is definitely good news. more money means i finally can get more clothes. now i'm just waiting for a drastic improvement in the terms & conditions. and i really hope its soon. like within the next month perhaps. and my congrats goes to she who has passed her driving test. i'm already looking forward to many trips ahead when u get ur car. is anybody whos reading this an accomplished vet? i need a vet. actually its more like my dog needs a vet. her sores are getting much worse, and with the cushing's disease, things are really not looking bright. thankfully she's still full of energy, which has to be a good, doesn't it?

i think bizarro and non sequitur are like the best comic strips ever. below is one from non sequitur, which totally reflects how i feel right now.



and just for u guys to note, my desktop is NOT soft porn. pls dun go away with that impression.


have you ever stabbed anybody?


oh well. most ppl can't claim to actually stabbed anybody before, but i can. not like it was anything damatic, not like it was a knife or a chopper. just a pathetic scissors. it wasn't as messy as i would have expected it, but more on that later.

is it just me or do the sky turn dark earlier than usual? the sky is practicaly totally dark before 730 these days. perhaps its the haze. the haze these days hasn't gotten any better at all. in fact, i think the haze is here to stay for quite awhile, which would naturally mean that all forms of outdoor activities have to be ruled out, including exercise. (no kayaking, no floorball! haha. i'm so sorry abt the kayaking. wish i could go, but i can't make it.. ) and i realised i have a strong adversion to fat. i can't stand the way fat looks like on a human body. there was an article this week in urban, which reported on underweight models. dun u think they look great? i totally dig that hollow look. maybe i'm just shallow. and i decided that for myself, since i can't find the determination to exercise, the alternative was to cut down on food. so even if i'm not lean, i'm still not fat. anyway, since i've developed an aversion against soft drinks and fast food since a pretty long time ago, i guess it isn't so bad. now that i've two missing premolars and separators which are causing me immense discomfort, its even easier now. by the end of this week, i bet i wouldn't even need to think twice about skipping a meal. so its all working out fine for me, and i'm glad. anyway, i have no worries abt being anorexic, cos u never happen to hear abt guys becoming anorexic, have you? besides, my weight doesn't seem to flucuate. its like there are feedback mechanisms in my body dat alters the density of my bone such that i'm permanently 60kg.

anyway, for all those who haven't had the chance to suffer (yet), teeth extraction is not painless. in fact, even after anaesthesia, i was under extreme discomfort. exspecially since the teeth extracted were perfectly healthy. and it didn't help dat, after extracting the teeth, my dentist told said, "oh wow, ur teeth are hard to extact because you have very healthy and strong teeth.". sure. wth. coincidentally, i was struck down by fever almost immediately after i extacted my teeth. my dentist told me it couldn't be an infection cos my sockets were not swollen. so it must have beensome viral infection left behind by a previous person. just my luck. i hate fevers. they give me this throbbing headache, which is totaly reminiscent of a terrible hangover, except that in this case, i'm missing out on the fun from the night before, so its totally not worth it. in fact, it puts me in a horrible mood. urgh.

do you hate smokers? i know i do. i hate the smell of it, i hate the look, i hate practically everything abt it, unless of cos, i was selling cigarettes, then it would be a different story. but the point is, i wondered one day, why ppl get addicted to smoking, so i decided i shall try one cigarette myself. but of cos, i haven't had the chance to get down to it. will anyody care to join me? a few seconds of cacinogenic torture, all in the name of experimentation. but i figured how we could ban smoking, without portraying singapore as a 'fine' city. wat we do, is that we have a maximum age limit, rather than a minimum age limit for smoking. that means that ppl above, say 12 years old, are banned from smoking and buying cigarettes. since the body of a young child would not be able to withstand theeffects of nicotine, it'll make them sick, rather than give them pleasure. besides, they will have a higher chance of suffering a near death experience, and we all know how near death experiences can prove to be a great life changing experience that makes u rethink many things abt life. and lastly, kids wouldn't be able to afford to buy smokes anyway. so that way, we can reduce the problem of smoking, without at the same time having to totally ban smoking in singapore. but we all noe, the money the government gets from smokes is far too great to give it all up for just some health issues, so it'll never work. in fact, i suggest the government just tax soft drugs like ecstasy and make it legal. that would be fun.

but my guess is that smoking is a habit that will ultimately die off. just like speaking dialects. how many kids these days can speak dialect, when their parents can't. compare that to the number of kids who can't speak dialect, when their parents can. a classmates blog stated that its fine to be bimbotic if you're chio. i totally agree, somehow. its one thing to be bimbotic and chio, and totally another thing to be just bimbotic. however, if you're chio and not bimbotic, thats fine too. i think the members of the pussy cat dolls are damn chio. they look great, fullstop. their songs are just fantastic. and these two factors add up to great mtvs, which i've recently 'obtained' from a source. i've decided not to use the word 'd******d' anymore, especitally after the recent scare of seven ppl being arrested for related issues. as such, i shall hereby reinforce my belief in copyright laws by stating that i am not one of those idiots who go for free music and movies and mtvs. please dun come after me. i'm innocent. in fact, i'm straightening out my teeth, trying to get hold of contacts and still in the midst of sorting out my hair. i'll look totally different in a year and a half. i'll be a different person, the government won't be able to recognise me. but will you? will you be willing to wait. i mean, after everything.

i'm running out of money. i was just withdrawing today, and i've realised my savings have diminished to a third of wat it was just 3 months back. and dats a ssubstantial amt. kinda scared me like hell to think money disappears so quickly. thankfully though, they are upping the lsa med award. whew. hopefully its substantial. i've heard rumours that it might just be jealousy-inducing-good, but we all noe how the army is, so it wouldn't happen. i just hope more ppl do choose to pick up lsa med. esp the girls. its a greaat career! seriously.

oh gosh. the headache is back. and biochem isn't making it any better at all. oh i feel like stabbing myself to relieve the pain. oh wait, i've done dat before. yeah, that 'someone' from the start was me. happily playing with my scissors, and for some unknown reason, i totally stabbed the scissors into my rectus femoris (possibly sartorius) through my pants. how my thigh allows the scissors such easy penetration, i've no idea. but thankfully the scissors wasn't rusty, and the whole thing wasn't as messy as i expected. maybe i didn't stab deep enuf. to relieve this headache, its going to have to be MUCH deeper. boring friday nights. sigh. and for wat its worth, i support heidi from so you think you can dance 2. i noe its actually over already, but i watch it on channel 5, so pls dun spoil it for me.


prisoner within my own walls.


(i say) hi i'm ruiming, and i'm a dota addict. i've been clean for close to 48 hours now.
(everybody say) hi ruiming.

the haze these days have gotten so bad that for the first weekend in a very long time, i didn't even feel like stepping out of my house. shut the doors and windows, and just basically go into hibernation within my own walls. and that meant no exercise, but who needs exercise in weather like this. its probably more harmful than useful.

being twenty feels bad. yeah yeah, happy birthday to me. watever. my teenage years are officially over, and i'm expected to mature overnight, and be more serious in everything i do. i think all thats going to happen is dat i'm getting more stressed, and jaded with life. i find that i've approached the time in life where i'm perfectly comfortable and relaxed just sitting around with a grop of friends and just talking and enjoying the wind for hours on end. in the past, that would have been so boring to me. but now, its just a perfect break to take a breather. i've definitely grown. i wasn't who i am now, just a few years back. but there's still so much for me to learn in dealing with life. so much. anyway there wasn't much of a celebration, given that it was the first day of school. but thanks for all the calls and messages anyway. next year should be fun though, where everybody starts turning 21, which is supposed to officially mark the next stage in life. hopefuly celebrations would be bigger, starting from 2nd jan birthday babies.

anyway i just came up with another policy for singapore's government, not to deal with the declining birth rate, but more to deal with the piracy problem in singapore. sure, it has been a very successful anti piracy campaign over the past 10 years or so, with the government now taking a very hard stand against pirate shops, rather than the blatant closing of both eyes against the issue of piracy, as seen from the conglomerate of pirated shops in simlim square in the days which have since long disappeared. BUT pirate shops still pop up here and there, sometimes. to deal with it, the police ought to legalise shoplifting in these shops. they shud make it legally acceptable for ppl to enter pirate shops, take watever they want, not pay for it, and just walk out. in that way, pirate shops would not see the point in operating anymore, because it really isn't considered a business worth carrying on with when u're not making even enuf to cover your expenses. alternatively, the government shud set up their own pirate shops. what they do, is that every disc they sell would not be working. and since pirated shops have already laid down the no refund policy, ppl will just change the discs for new ones, and eventually find out that ALL the discs are not working, and discover that they have been conned. in future, they will probably give up on pirated shops all together, and piracy will fade into oblivion. so that marks the controversial policy of the week (of which i would make a compilation of, in case i do end up one day as a politician). anyway, just as a sidenote, i am disgusted by wat all these pirated shops are doing, and i'm definitely a strong supporter against copyright infringement for computer games. as for music and movies, dat will be a totally different issue not worth mentioning here.

and now we take a short break here for the classifieds.
i am currently sourcing for season 1 and HOUSE MD. if anybody knows anybody who has it and willing to lend, pls drop me a message. if you need anything from me, just ask me for what i have. currently my prison break is taking its world tour, and since i dun have a backup copy, its unavailable. i just hope i eventually get it back. i am also selling a 1GIG SD CARD w 5-in-1 USB CARD READER. if you're interested, please contact me as well. and i'm looking for a medication called DERMASONE. it requires a prescription, and i'm too lazy to see a doctor to get one, so if u happen to have a prescription for it, and don't want it, give it to me please.

okay so i was shopping the other day with a fren at the heeren. and then i came across this skull and crossbones tie. since i dun have a decent tie of my own, my first thought was to get it. i mean, can u just imagine how hilarious it is, if i wear it and i go for clinicals. but as you would expect, i eventually decided against it. i dun think my profs, and much less the patients, would be understanding the dark humour of the tie. in fact, i'll probably just be blasted for insensitivity. quite a pity how uptight this society is.

in today's paper, sumiko tan wrote an article about the obsession with being thin in this modern society. in the article, there was a line which commented on how its politically incorrect to go up to someone and tell her she's too fat. it just has the word WRONG! stamped all over it. as for someone who is too thin, there is no such immunity. and i belong to the group of ppl who find dat its not insensitive to tell someone she's anorexic. thats because i feel that ppl who are too thin actually still look good! so to me, being anorexic still amounts to a compliment. as for the recent policy back then to ban underweight models from fashion runways, i found the entire issue to be absurd, as these models actually look good in the clothes which were in the first place meant for ppl of their size. but sumiko provides a perfect counter argument. if we are going to ban these models, we might as well ban all the steroid pumped muscular actors and all the overly well endowed actresses from tv shows, as it would promote the idea to kids that using steriods and having cosmetic surgery is perfectly healthy and should be promoted. shouldn't the parents be the one teaching the kids the right values, and not the television box? besides everybody has their own list of choices and priorities, and to make this list, they ought to learn how to discern from right and wrong, and not just take away everything which is perceived as 'wrong' or 'unhealthy'. (if you happen to read the article, check out the one below it as well, which is something about preparing for preschool. its totally hilarious.)

and talking abt models, i've just discovered this hot babe, jarah mariano. she is hot, fullstop. no arguments abt it. i would upload a picture of her, but i'm too lazy to. if you have a chance to see my wallpaper on my laptop, she just replaced the spot previously occupied by a ford mustang classic, and i think she's here to stay. and for the song of the week, check out trigger hippie by morcheeba. newage music which provides a very psychadelic feel, a perfect song to chill out to on a lazy evening when u're high on drugs and alcohol cocktail and the whole world seems beautiful again.

Standing in line of fire,
For the whole,
My soul,
Step codes,
The drums,
And sing,
Love the children,
Learn to live with everything.

i've also come to realise that my spelling is atrocious. i should really take out all the sms/blogging shortforms and jargon and use proper spelling. i'm after all, a student of an A1 calibre. and for the 'uncultured', the da:ns festival starts this upcoming week i think. should be a pretty interesting event.


endless days.


okay this post is long overdue. i somehow haven't found the right time to spend on blogging, given so many things to do now -- new seasons of grey's anatomy & prison break, catching up with friends & sleep & SCHOOL work, i guess blogging down my thoughts would currently be of least priority. the only reason why i would be doing this now is because i'm on a mrt ride and decided that there could be no better use of my time. i'm typing an essay here, so u might want to split it up to read over the days to come, before u start boring urself out.

quite a few days back, the newspaper reported that the rate of teen sex and consequently teen pregnancy and teen abortion has been rising. kids these days are having casual sex more frequent then ever before. pity i'm no longer in the teen age group anymore, or i could be having the time of my life right now. anyway, also reported is the highest rate of teens contracting AIDS. as compared to the last 10 years or so. however, this is solely reserved for gays i suppose, as reported in the paper as well. so dat keeps me safe. however, wat struck my concern i supposed, was that in the same paper, that was a report on the country with the lowest birth rate in the entire world. its some place called genoa, italy. the birth rate has declined so badly there, that playgrounds are reported to be empty, and schools have had to close down due to a lack of students. now, this portrays a very desperate scenario, much worse than wat singapore is facing currently. its so bad, that it the majority of the population under 12 is made up of immigrants, and that some immigrants have even commented that the native population rather keep pets than have kids of their own.

so basically, the way i see it, if singapore doesn't wish to end up in such a dire situation, a good way to tackle the situation would be to promote teen sex, and continue to discourage teen abortion. raise the charges of teen abortion to absurd prices, and impose life sentences for teens who dump their newborns. since married couples dun want to have kids, let the unmarried teens who want to have fun handle that responsibility! sure, it sounds socially wrong and unstable, but one must know that a declining birth rate is much more serious than it actually seems. its in fact, the first step to the decline of singapore and its economy, which would eventually sum up to singapore vanishing off the face of this earth. imagine, singapore and all its infrastructure, haunted by nothing but ghosts of the lingering past. actually in the realistic sense, that wouldn't happen, because the most likely scenario is dat we would be populated by an influx of immigrants, or a mix between immigrants and 'true bred' singaporeans. so wat russel peters said its true after all. our futue would be a thorough mix of populations, such as french and greeks mixing to give rise to an entire new generation of fre(a)ks.

in the social aspect, once teens have reached a state where they cannot abort nor abandon their baby without any consequences, then they would naturally learn a certain form of responsibility of which they cannot escape from. ( of course, the guy involved has to take full responsibility as well -- or face severe punishment. ) i mean, its not unheard of these days that some teens do keep their babies, and go on to lead fulfilling lives. if u think abt it, isn't that wat happened in the days of our grandparents? just that it was socially accepted back then. and on the plus side, because ppl have to quit schooling and start working to support their new family, look how many entrepreneurs there were back in the 50s, who set up companies which grew from a small home enterprise when it first started out to a multi billion dollar conglomerate currently.

so i say, all youths out there, go forth and copulate without any birth control measures! find THE one of your life, and settle down with a small family. the onus? would be on you to save our future. (actually having said that, how many ppl do we actually meet in a lifetime? lets say we get to know 10,000 ppl. out of a population of 4 million, that is abt 0.25%. and wat would be the chances that one out of this 10,000 ppl would be your destiny? 0.001%. so given all that, mathematically, multiply the two, and u get the chances of you actually meeting your true confidante. which is close to zero. so if u think u have found your one, treasure it, and dun let her go no matter wat. (which actually brings to mind something an exclassmate said abt how the words 'i love you' are too overrated nowadays. she wonders how ppl can say i love you to each partner in ur lifetime, and mean it every single time. the point is, i could love more than one person in my lifetime. love isn't an exclusive thing. most ppl actually have the capacity to love more than one person in a lifetime. so, overrated as it is, i still think there is much meaning to those three words.)

okay so as promised, this is my relationship with God. i do not deny the fact that i believe in God. i pray to him when i need help, or when i just need some peace within. i thank him when i feel that my prayers are answered. i place my trust in him, when i realise some things are not within my control. i respect Him and all the beliefs of Christianity. i noe quite a number of the songs and hymns and stories, having been from a pri school where i had to attend sunday school. i'll rather go to heaven then to hell any day. i feel an alarming sense of calm when i enter some churches. but given all that, i can't bring myself to spend time in church every week. i can't tell myself that every single thing i do in my life, is all within His control, and none of mine. i can't bring myself to help the needy and poor in the name of God, rather than just out of my own goodwill. thats just the way life is. sometimes i feel i need a firm belief in one form of religion or another, esp as a doctor. but i'm unwilling to sacrifice. so wat does that make me? will i hereby be banished to eternal hell forevermore. oh well. anyway, is it true that religion governs love. would it be in the capacity of someone who is christian/catholic/buddhist/taoist/muslim/hindu to love someone outside their own religion, without putting any thought at all to the religious difference. will someone please answer me?

on other news, i there was this couple who wrote in to straits times to complain abt receiving 5 summons in 2 weeks for minor traffic offences, despite being 'safe drivers' and having not been booked before ever since they started driving 20 years ago. although they do not deny committing those offences, they argue that the reason for the number of bookings, is due to the outsourcing of jobs by the traffic police. why do ppl actually bother putting up such absurd arguments. fancy committing a crime and complaining when u get caught. they were probably just very lucky that they haven't had a single booking for the past 20 years. for good arguments, do watch thank you for smoking. the lobbyist in the film puts up such good arguments for smoking, u really don't see how smoking can be harmful at all. the point is, you dun need to prove the fact that you're right. all you need to do, is prove that your opponent is wrong, and thus, that would naturally make you right.

anyway hols are practically over. some would have had their hols packed with mugging, CASE competitions, shopping ( thats a good one ), short trips etc. mine? i dunno what happened to them. they just flew past me. dun take it personally, its just a doctor's thing. 4 years of high school, 4 years of college, 4 years of med school, by the time we graduate we're in our late 20s. we wouldn't have done anything except go to school and think abt science. time stops. we're socially retarded. dat was a line straight out of grey's. indeed. on the show, they do act like a bunch of high school kids. aas expected, the second season is still full of sex and complicated relationships and nothing much else. if only life could be dat simplified. i really hope that i won't end up as that socially inept doctor. there is really, still so much more to expect out of life. have i ever mentioned that i'm really afraid of pain. my reluctance to get braces done are compounded by the fact that teeth extraction and other things would cause me a whole lot of pain, which i'm not looking forward to.

priorities. i've figured dat everything u do in life is governed by priorities. everybody has a list of priorities hidden somewhere deep in their mind, and subconsciously they refer to them and use it to make decisions. understanding this, had made me understood many things which i had never did. for example, when you say no, or you give me an excuse of some form or the other, its basically just because your priorities in life are different from mine. its a personal list, and i can't hold you to fault. there's no point in me getting disappointed, there's no point in keeping my hopes up either. priorities ARE priorities. if its not on your list, i'm not going to be able to make it magically appear overnight. instead, i think its good time my priorities change -- its been the same for far too long, and its not making my life worth living. surely mugging has to rise in priority. others just have to be off the list forever. priorities. wat ARE your priorities? surely replying isn't one of them, is it.

if there's music in the night,
and it's really, really right,
it's the only thing i need.
it intoxicates your mind
all your troubles left behind
so come on and take my lead.
it's not just me who feels it
music plays a mind trick
watch me forget about missing you

so i put my feelings out to dry
love, one day again,
i'll have to try.
falling out, making up
it seems such a silly game
why do i never gain?

i really need some money right now. some money that would just drop down right in front of my face. i was doing some shopping by myself today, and i realised i dun need much. surely someone kind out there would generously donate me two hundred dollars to spend? dats less than 350 phone calls to vote for your favourite idol. is that really too much to ask for? i would like to buy time too, if anybody has any extra to sell to me. sigh. wat does a teen have got to do, to enjoy wats left of it, before it gets taken away from him for good.

my relationship.

i was having a conversation just the other day, and of which it has inspired me to blog abt how i feel my relationship with God stands right now. many times have ppl asked me abt my religion and i always have a hard time describing it. perhaps putting it down in words would make my life easier. but i'm a little lazy and i really need to mug so i'll come back to this point another day. on another note, ppl might want to check out lbbc.blogspot.com and lccb.blogspot.com. pretty intersting reads, setup by bored m2s. and i hate being sick. although the rainy days do make it slightly better.

You know you’re stunning
You’re absolutely stunning
And I’m running always running
And now I’m crying
It’s only cause I’m caring
And if you were more daring
Maybe you’d stop staring
And come over and talk to me
Tell me bout how you’ve been waiting so patiently
And how you tried but I just turned away
And I’ll say yeah well you know,
I’m shy that way

Shy that way
Maybe I’m shy that way

Ohh you know you’re stunning
You’re absolutely stunning
But you’re always runnin
But I’ll catch up to you
The way you keep your distance is
Keeping my interest
So I’ll keep it persistent
Ohh maybe someday
Someway, somehow in some town
We’ll get together and
We’ll break it down
And I’ll ask why you’ve been
so shy, gotta be that way
Maybe baby, oh love, I like it that way



shy that way.

msn is down, for some freaking reason. but the web messenger is working, and now i have a pathetic 9 ppl on my list. where are all the ppl that i want to talk to??!? school hasn't gotten anymore interesting. i feel that weekends have an amazing ability to just disappear within seconds. its like i wait the whole week for it, and now its over. just like dat. monday was spent touring the school with gek, exploring unknown lts and basically wasting time. but i haven't talked to her for how long, so it was good. saturday was spent sun tanning at rjc, followed by mahjiong at yunlei's house. which was interesting, cos i actually earned 'money' from it, and yunlei is another one i haven't seen for how long. but she still looks the same. in fact, she's like she hasn't grown a bit since i last met her. haha. not that most ppl have. although there are a few ppl i know who have changed so much over the past year! i actually wonder when its my turn to grow up and like totally emerge from this coccoon shield ard me. i dun think i'm there yet. anyway, it was followed by dinner at brewerkz with some secondary school teachers, whom i didn't really talk to. anyway i had some friends who got drunk and puked just from drinking beer. thankfully i left for the trifac bash to not witness the occassion. abt trifac, i tot the medicine dance wasn't really that fantastic, but if they won, surely the rest had to be worse in comparison? anyway i met some interesting ppl whom i dun normally meet, didn't meet some ppl whom i would really like to have met, and met some new fellow m1s whom i forgot their names, or how they looked like. i dun think they remember me as well. gosh i think i must really go up and talk to more ppl in class. its been close to one month, and i hardly know even a handful of ppl. i shud try sitting at different seats every lecture from now on. anyway sunday was worse off. i spent the morning damn pissed off for no good reason, and the rest of the day in a daze with hardly an appetite. perhaps i didn't sleep enuf, perhaps i didn't puke out the alcohol from my system, but a good half of my day was spent in a daze doing nothing constructive. except cut my hair. now all i need is to dye or streak it soon. perhaps i shud have just taken yunlei's ticket and go for dance blast, cos qing said it was good. but nus was so far. and i didn't even noe with whom i would have been sitting with. oh well, next year perhaps.

i've come to realise this post isn't in anyway constructive. it just feeds you the details of wat i did throughout my week, which is pretty pointless and no where near thought inducing. on the other hand, i was thinking of buying a skeleton. bring it out with me, sit it beside me on the mrt rides home, talk to it over lunch. it would be a she, and she'll sit demurely whenever the occassion calls for it. i'll put woofers in her ribs, and a speaker btwn her mandibles and in her hands, and an ipod dock withing her hip bones. and then she can be my portable sound system. nita says i'm weird in a sick way. i refuse to accept that though. i really think i'm a very normal person. anyway on a side note, how come there are some ppl who are just impossible to jio out?? are they really busy ppl, or is it just me. i'm forced to believe its the latter, which makes me very sad. sigh. i'm in one of those dellusional moods again tonight. where i somehow try to imagine things which aren't really there, and hoping for a change which isn't going to happen. have i been misled, or am i supposed to wait. why do i sometimes see the moon from my window at 7 in the evening. why is pluto no longer a planet. why did i have to save all my songs in my harddisk without a backup, and then now lose my harddisk. why am i shy that way, always waiting and never bold enuf to step out. why do u ignore me so. for those who are wondering, shy that way is one of my all time favourite songs.


What I am to you, is not real
What I am to you, you do not need
What I am to you, is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for what I give to you
Is just what i'm going through
This is nothing new
No no just another phase of finding what I really need
Is what makes me bleed
And like a new disease lord, she's still too young to treat



death.

haven't you realise that all your friends around you, everybody you know, every living thing you ever came in contact with, wouldn't live forever. are you ready, to cope with their death. its easy when these are "inanimate" living things. like plants. or they are too minute. like ants. but what if its something with a name. are you ready to cope. have you found a reason to explain death, found an excuse to rationalise death, discovered the logic as to how the reaper chooses to anoint death to. have you found a way to comfort yourself when you confront death? have you got the mentality to accept all these as part and parcel of life, and just learn to move on. i dun, i can't, i dunno how. someone just told me to learn how. perhaps with a future bounded as a medical career, i'll be forced to learn. perhaps i might even get numb. but right now, i dun think i have the strength to cope. i dun even know who i should turn to other than myself. so if anybody has any answer to the questions, feel free to enlighten me. coincidentally, steve irwin, otherwise more famously known as the crocodile hunter, has just passed away today after being stung by a stingray thru the heart. its saddening actually, how someone with so much jest in life, could just pass away so quickly. a legend of our generation, not being able to remain alive long enuf for my kids to see in person. and he left behind kids who are so young. i think i shud cap my emotions. too emotional isn't good.

so other news, abt the few army videos on you tube that were on the newspaper yesterday, i actually saw it quite long ago, and i was telling my friend how these ppl in the video were just digging their own grave, esp the one featuring the national day scene. little did i expect it to really happen, and action to be taken against them. my best wishes to them. for their sake, i hope they are orded personnel. and on other news, do u still remember ur promary sch essays? those which you wrote abt wat you wanted to be when you grow up. go dig it out. i'm sure it is nowhere near wat u're doing now. i dug up this essay of this particular lady who claimed she wanted to be an artist. and right now, she's studying in aust to be some psychologists or some sort. so wat does dat mean. we were disillusioned as kids? or were we so scheming that we approached the question with the thought of picking the most interesting career to write abt. okay this is absurd logic. its just probably innocent kiddy dreams that we had when we were young. i wonder whether we'll still find it if we search deep enough inside ourselves.


a reply.


perhaps its now my turn to share my thoughts, having read and heard yours. right now, if you ask me agian what defines me, i still won't be able to give you a decent answer. sure, i am already where i would have loved to be a few years back. i've achieved much, but yet dat doesn't define me. to put it in simpler, yet more obscure terms, i haven't found myself. i'm not completely immersed in what i'm doing, i'm not perfectly happy and at one with myself, i'm not putting in my hundred percent effort in what i'm doing. i have yet to found my little utopia, a passion i could immerse myself in and totally forget about everything else. i realise i don't care enough about the larger issues in life, i don't bother enough about our future. i'm the stereotypical youth who is totally apathetic to societal issues, other than those which have a direct impact on me. i hear about problems in other less developed countries, and about the troubles than my peers from these countries face, but i dun feel a single nerve in me having a desire to do anything to try to solve these problems. i spend too much energy thinking what i should do today, how i could enjoy the most out of my weekend, and not caring about what comes next, but jsut caring about the moment. i would like to belief that there are many other people my age who act like me, but the fact that i'm in the majority doesn't neccessary justify my actions, does it.

let me paint a scenario. sitting on the top of a grassy knoll in the evening with a good bottle of liquer, with a cool breeze blowing at you, with nice comforting music playing by your ears, watching the world go by. that is the kind of situation that makes me really at peace with the world. i don't like problems, i don't like solving problems, i just like to forget they exist. i'm a runner. naturaly there are repercussions, such as the problems stacking up waiting for your return, rather than disappearing. its not a good attitude, but at least for a moment there, i was happy just being myself. self actualization. what you claimed to be the highest state of nirvana (as opposed to not eating anything living, where nirvana=death) based on your psychology modules. i understood what you meant to convey that day, but i just can't seem to attain it in my everyday life.

curiously, i realise freedom could aptly define me as well, but with a total opposite meaning from yours. yours is a freedom in life to immerse in all those things that spur your interest in every waking moment of your life. mine, is a freedom from the chains of life, from troubles from problems from friends from work and ultimately from life itself. i would like the freedom to spend my every moment doing nothing. when you read this of me, you'll probably feel disgusted because it totally contradicts with your motivations in life. living for the moment, not for the long term. but how i wish i could share this with you, the joy you get out of pushing everything to one corner of your mind and blank out everything else other than whats happening there and then. however, i forsee that you won't enjoy it anyway, so why even bother.

frankly, i'm full of admiration for you and what you do. and more than anything else, because you're so perfectly happy with what you're doing. its almost like a fairy tale ain't it. one where you get a happy ending at the end of the day, after overcoming numerous obstacles in the way. i don't think that it makes you in any way less feminine. only twenty and yet you've matured so much. so much so dat my admiration pratically borders on envy and jealousy. perhaps its because i haven't had my fair share of trials and tribulations, and as a result i haven't really discovered much about myself. but that would be ironic wouldn't it, having to go through all sorts of shit first in order to be find out the secret to my own nirvana.

anyway just thinking about an answer to give you kinda drive me nuts, and as such thus post doesn't give much of an answer to your question. i'll tell you the moment i get an answer though. by the way, this post was concieved yesterday, written halfway this morning, and continued now. i kinda wanted to wish you all the best for today but its over even as i write this. so do fill me in as to how it went, some other time when you're free. you know, i really would go down to watch you some day, if only you could just give slightly more advanced notice. haha. afterall, we both know today wouldn't be the last time.

other updates, singaporeans are too obsessed with technology. the comex fair is packed beyond belief. the handicapped, the infants and even the dogs have their chance to visit the booths. its crazy. i wouldn't even go unless i already had something in mind. but having said that, i came out with a relatively good laptop and a 2gig thumbdrive and new dvds. almost got myself a 60gb hdd but that would burst my budget. its like retail therapy for a guy. haha. now all i need is a wireless mouse a new handphone and new speakers. any sponsors?

and more random stuff.

i kinda regret not having gone for the dinner and dance. would have clashed with my other dinner, but surely it could have been worth it. from the pictures, most of the ppl looked really great. i think you would have looked better with one of those artisty caps though, haha.

i need to go for a haircut but i really do not know how to cut it. maybe i should just go for a crewcut again. or maybe i should go dye it shocking red. does anybody have any ideas.

i realised if i keep all my dvds at home, they're just going to sit there forever with no good usage. thus i decided to share my joy. i have desperate housewives lost prison break 24 grey's and southpark. i have a few movies as well, but don't count on me having what you want, because there are just too many movies around. if anybody wants them, you can look for me. i'm afraid some of them are not working anymore though. and if anybody else has any shows to recommend and lend me, feel free to do so as well.

i think i need an english name. so many ppl have one already, ppl whom i dun even recognise by their english name. actually i have a christian name already. there are very few ppl in this world who know what it is, and even much lesser address me by it. if you can somehow dig it up, i'll be very amazed. maybe i should start going by that name now. i'll think about it.

i'm going to get braces. soon.

i have a VoIP phone and a 1Gb SD card with an USB card reader for sale. if anybody wants it, msg me.

i need to mug much more. i haven't nearly known enough information.

i need new songs and new artistes. anybody with any recommendations? i don’t like mainstream.

some songs have special meaning to me. songs like stay the same will always remind me of a certain camp i had back in secondary school. similarly some words have the same meaning as well. words like hackneyed, which most ppl know are synonymous to my name, have no idea wat it means to me. but its not like i want you to. funny how some things just remain so close to your heart. if only anatomy was just about half as close to my heart, then studying would be so easy.

OKAY. thats enough for now. i'm sorry my posts are infrequent and often irrelevant and too long. you should split them up into readable pieces such that it won't be such a pain to read. anyway there is free entry to MoS this thursday, and a tri fac bash on saturday. more likely than not i'll be going for this saturday's party, having already missed out on yesterday's. how the hell i'm ever going clubbing on a weekday, i can't figure out. i live with parents who will make my life hell if i go clubbing and have to wake up at 8 the next day for lessons. i might as well dun go to school actually, because i wouldn't even absorb anything. oh well. i think this is where i need to start working on my hostel application. something which i've pushed back for far too long.

Water comes
You cool me down
When I'm cold inside
You are warm and bright
You know you are so good for me
With your child's eyes
You are more than you seem
You see into space
I see in your face
The places you've been
The things you have learned
They sit with you so beautifully

You know there's no need to hide away
You know I tell the truth
We are just the same
I can feel everything you do
Hear everything you say
Even when you're miles away
Cos I am me, the universe and you

is there anyway i can even make it up to you. or is there anyway i can let you know without losing everything along the way.


my harddrive crashed! i hope i can recover it. i stand to lose too much if its all gone. somebody help me.


dentists > doctors > pharmacists

this particular line has intrigued many, but it wasn't me who came up with it. our dear health minister, was the one who said it sometime in between his 'casual' session with us. i felt he was a little incoherent at times, especially when it came to the q&a session, when he decided to trial off into personal experiences with poems, but had trouble linking it back. this is the reply from the pharmacists HOD. i kinda forgot abt the dentists>doctors part, but i'm damn sure he said dat as well, cause there was the applause from the dentist students.

Dear Minister Khaw
Thanks for taking time out from a busy schedule to address budding health professionals.

May I emphasize that the issue of dispensing by doctors and/or pharmacists has other implications besides economics. I will like to refer you to this World Health Organization web-page which is a good and fair report.

http://mednet3.who.int/icium/icium1997/posters/4b4_fin.html

Whoever prescribes and dispenses, it is best not to be the same person as there is no check and balance for giving out potent medications to patients who are often ignorant about what they need. Dispensing by a health professional other than the doctor who writes the prescription may even bring down health care cost to the patient and the country.

In our hospitals where there are specialists and senior doctors prescribing but not dispensing, pharmacists are kept busy doing "intervention" in the process of dispensing ie calling up the doctors to check on prescriptions and recommending changes for instances of errors/omissions etc and thus saving costs, inconvenience and sometimes lives. The volume and details of such pharmacist interventions are available at every hospital.

Also our medical students do not receive training for dispensing of medications in medical school while pharmacy students are trained. Yet when the doctors are qualified, and go out to private practice, not them, but their spouses and even their children or school-dropout assistant do the dispensing unsupervised. This is a poor image of Singapore as a World-class Medical Hub, to Indian and China nationals. NUS international students have made these observations to me. It is a terrible compromise for the medication safety of patients and data to show errors/omissions during the dispensing process by a doctor in his own/solo practice is difficult to gather as no one person will admit to his wrong-doings/human error in the absence of audits.

I firmly believe we have a good case to be progressive and you are the best Minister who will dare to change for the interest/benefit of patients, not for the pockets of any particular group of health professional. Thanks again for your patience.

Warmest rgds,
Chan Sui Yung

and here's the minister's reply:

Thanks, Sui Yung for your inputs. I will bear that in mind. Yes, we should approach this issue from patients' welfare point of view, and not to bias for any profession.

Best wishes to you.

and here's HOD's next reply:

Dear Minister Khaw

I must say that while I am partial for pharmacists, but am more concerned for the good of patients and the economy of public health. Pharmacists can contribute more to both and should be empowered/allowed to do so.

The analogy that will put things in perspective is extension of the one you shared last evening about sending our cars for regular servicing and so we must go for our regular medical check-ups. Doctors are like car mechanics trained on all parts of the car and how to give it a good overhaul. Pharmacists are those who passed the highway code and other tests, got the driver license to drive the vehicle and ferry passengers.

Our current dispensing practice by doctors is car mechanic and untrained relatives/staff without driver license taking the steering wheel. Driving a car can be viewed as a simple task (put key to ignition, shift gears, press pedal, steer) if done in the confines of one's driveway or a complex and dangerous one on a highway. Dispensing can be regarded as a very menial and simple task where any one who can match the name of the medication on a piece of paper to that on a bottle of medications, count and decipher the doctor's written order/codes, can pick up after 10 mins of briefing. Or perhaps one that should raise the alarm bell as we have many patients taking multiple medications for chronic conditions over long periods of time....the highway of medications and patients' well-being.

I like your challenge to local radiologists to conduct a "trial". We should conduct such a trial with Minister as the regulator. We can get a set of 10 or more dispensing assignments drawn up independently by 2 panels (one of doctors and another of pharmacists). Then get groups of final year medical and pharmacy students to attempt the assignments, written and practical. This same assignment can be posed to another group of GPs/specialists and community/hospital pharmacists.

Medication/Patient Safety is often likened to Aviation Safety. I refer you to the web-page
http://www.ahrq.gov/news/ulp/leapfrog/leapfrog1.htm

"A culture of safety in aviation and how approaches taken in aviation might be translated to health care. The UTHFRP has focused on aviation in relation to medicine since 1993, before the release of the 1999 Institute of Medicine report, To Err is Human. That report emphasized that many medical errors are attributable to systems failures and the health care system should recognize that unintentional human factors play a large role in the formation of the system. The aviation industry has a long history of reducing error at they system level and has made safety a "super-ordinate" goal, according to Musson. Similar to medicine, teamwork is essential in aviation, risk level varies from low to high, and threat and error come from multiple sources."

Minister has set about to break the 15-year cartel by medical profession wrt supply of specialists. I wonder if you will like to take on the even more challenging task of the "dispensing rights issue" that was inherited from the British colonial times, but abandoned by the UK health system 5 decades ago. The patients are the winners and the Minister will save money, too.

Warmest rgds
Chan Sui Yung

anyway this week has been so boring thsat it seems as if the talk was the highlight of the week. at least i felt that i actually had something to do. most of the week was just spent in mindless transition from home to school to lts to labs to canteens to lts to home. these few days, i'm so accustomed to seeing some of the m2s that the day kinds of feel incomplete when i dun meet some of them. like these two days cos of my first aid lesson which somehow has to be in the afternoon. i can't wait for life to get back to normal. funny how all these come back to me now, esp after spending one and a half years in solitude in the army. the laughter the joy the sounds the whines the lunches the dinners hopefully sometime soon. perhpas i'm incoherent as well -- does that mean i could be the next health minister?

and i've another gripe to make. i think movies come to singapore too late. i've watched shows like click and the devil wears prada, and then i wonder, how come singapore never brings in shows like these? and then one month later, these shows open in singapore. wth. can't they bring them in earlier, on par with the rest of the world? for that matter, can't they bring in better tv serials to channel 5, rather than those mindless variety shows. not everybody has cable tv btw. not everybody can afford cable tv. take me for example, i need to start saving up for a car, so where am i going to find money to suscribe to cable tv? AND bring in these shows not after the seasons have finished showing, cause it really kinda defeats the thrill of watching it.

and i do realise i can't mug alone. i tend to fall asleep mugging alone. the book would be open in front of me, but nothing would register at all. so if anybody is free to mug with me, please feel free to ask me. i may not be the best company you can get, but as the dean said, you must help weaker students, and i'm quite sure i qualify as one of them at the rate i'm sleeping. preferably you would also either stay near me or stay near school. and if i'm feeling genorous, i'll treat you to a refreshing cup of coffee everytime you mug with me. okay now it seems as if i'm buying friends over to mug with me. how pathetic. ON THE OTHER HAND, this reminds me that ppl still owe me lunch, dinner, money and a cd. seriously, you know who you are, although i think some of you won't be reading this. i'm always ready to claim them the moment you remember, so please remember soon.

xinquan's blog is hilarious. the tags are even more hilarious, given what i notice during my otherwise uneventful lectures. thankfully most ppl who visit it don't notice that i'm linked to him.

did i mention dishwalla is really nice? check out counting blue cars and angels and devils. i think singapore idol contestants should sing their songs.

i hate to admit it, but i actually follow the idol shows. i dun vote, but i still watch the shows without fail every week. i think hady is damn freaking good compared to the rest. and its so hard to predict, some singers can become very good after one week, and then become lousy again 2 weeks later. for example paul had a very good rendition of the chinese song last night. and jasmine was very good with sweet child of mine last week. sadly to say, i think she's out. for a few weeks straight i've correctly predicted who's going out, so i dun believe i can be wrong. this is taking the fact that joaquim doesn't exist, cos its impossible to know when he'll be kicked out. it totally depends on how rich his hardcore fans are feeling that week.

okay thats enough of random thoughts for now. i need to cut my hair. its overgrown.

I know I'm alone
If I'm with or without you
But just being around you
Offers me another form of relief
When the lonliness leads to bad dreams
And the bad dreams lead me to calling you
And I call you and say "come here!"

And it's bad news, baby, I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

'Cause you're just damage control
for a walking corpse like me - like you

there are some things i really don't know how to piece to words. even when i do know, i just don't know how to tell them to you. anyway you could make it easier for me?


crazy nights.

i'm quite broke actually. hopping from one group to another to another, somehow everything pieced in together very nicely. at some points of time i felt like i was like a very bright lightbulb. thankfully not for long. note to myself, i shouldn't wear sandals out again next time. biggest regret, i would never go mambo night because of school. biggest problem, i'm freaking broke. one week of school and i've spent hundreds on miscellanous items. if anybody is feeling rich, wants to treat me, or wants to make a charitable donation to me, feel free to sms me at 90678761 and i'll pass you my bank acct number to transfer money in. thanks.


.M.any facts and one li.E.

so i'm back. i dun think anybody reads this blog anymore. i dun think anybody even read it in the first place. it was just a venue to air my thoughts and vent my frustration in the first place. if you want a good read, go to sauyee's blog. she writes such interesting stuff which are beyond comprehension. thankfully she very seldom updates her blog, so at least it gives u time to digest what she says. and then there is legally medical. however, her blog has been taken down, albeit unsurprisingly. famously infamous. anyway for ppl who still visit, i probably won't know you but i decided to post some facts about myself anyway.

i'm a sucker for some scents. i only recently found that out when this girl in front of me had this particular scent dat drove me mad. its a comforting familiar beautiful scent that i somehow registered with me as something i remember from somewhere else. and it was damn nice. and then there was another scent that i picked up also. then i concluded that some perfume scents are amazing. others just make me sneeze. unfortunately i can't identify the specific names.

i'm an introvert. i'm a massive introvert. i find it very hard to make new friends, and i stick very closely to old friends. everytime i go for interviews, i tell them i like to meet new ppl, i'm very easy going with strangers, and i put on a very friendly and extroverted appearance. but htat is cos thats what they're looking for. but truthfully? i find comfort in old friends. maybe i shud have gone for med camp. i'm meeting new ppl. one at a time. but at the same time, i find it so comforting hanging out with the m2s. its almost as if i rather be there then where i currently am. oh well. slowly. give me time. say hi to me if you recognise me along the way. there are some ppl that i would actually like to know. i need to meet new ppl. or else its a matter of time before the ppl i'm going to burn a small hole in my pocket, given the influence i'm under. haha.

i'm not enjoying nus med. actually i'm currently wondering why i'm in nus med. somehow i had been so caught up in the process of applying dat i more or less psyched myself up into thinking thats wat i want. since i've been at it since i was young. and now that i reach the end i wonder why i'm not enjoying it. maybe its linked to point two. but i have so much difficulty keeping awake. maybe when anat starts it'll be better. biochem is really really boring. i'll update on whether i like nus med next time. when i stop sleeping and i make new friends.

i'll never become a surgeon/doctor at the top of my field. its not that i dun want to, its just dat i chose i different path. instead, i'm going to become a one star general and have an office that overlooks a carpark with a huge red cross. just how cool is that. not that cool actually. i just hope i survive long enough to tell my story.

i'm a libran. i'm born on the two hundred and seventy fifth day of the year. i actually believe in horoscope. and i'm pretty much like wat a libran is supposed to be. except the part where i'm supposed to be cheerful and optimistic. dat pretty much happens only when i'm in a good mood. okay i understand that its all supposed to be bullshit, but check this out. http://www.elore.com/Astrology/Study/libra.htm. its really quite surprising how many of these things match my personality. esp the 3rd and 4th paragraph. and i've actually concluded i work better with people of a certain horoscope. but that was long ago. i kinda stopped believing it now.

i dislike many ppl, just as many ppl dislike me. i have a personality that is easily disliked. trust me, i've tried to change more than once, but once i return to being myself, i become a bastard again. i dun quite know how to change dat. anybody care to pop me some advice? maybe i appear to be very cold sometimes. and too demanding at other times. i'm sort of a perfectionist. i really enjoy things going my way. thankfully i still have friends.

i like drinking but i dun drink a lot. its fattening, bad for ur liver and bad for ur pocket. but nonetheless, i still go to friends' houses and just get happily drunk. i like it when i'm drunk. it makes u feel so happy. thankfully i've no desire to do drugs. i bet i'll enjoy the high as well, but no thanks, drugs are not for me.

i like samsung phones. i like jason mraz. my favourite song is More Than Words, second favourite is Lady in Red. my favourite movie so far is love actually. my favourite author is dean koontz. i pretty much enjoy graphics novels such as sin city, supreme power and many others. i'm just not willing to shell out 30 bucks for something that's going to last me 1 hour. i have an ipod that wasn't worth my money, and will soon have an over the top laptop which would be too heavy for me to drag along. i like floorball but i suck at it. i drink water, and i stopped drinking soft drinks. it has progressed to a general dislike for softdrinks, rather than just for health reasons. i currently have a crush on someone which i'll neevr admit to, and of which will never have a result. its a for fun kind of crush. she's a really wonderfuly fine young lady. haha.i wear a ring for the reason why some people wear earrings. i dun wear a watch. i kind of miss the army. i need a new phone.

i should have a car by year three. i'm hoping to push that up to year two. not sure if thats possible. anybody care to sponsor a car? a phone? a europe trip?

i'm online pretty much, but most of the time i'm not really there.

i'm a sms person, not a talk on the phone person. my calls do not normally drag into hours. but you can call me if you're really troubled, or like in the early mornings when i'm damn bored.

i am a night person. my normal time cycle is sleep at 3, wake up at 10. breakfast is at 11, lunch at 3, dinner at 9. its not normal but its me. and sch doesn't fit into that time cycle, which means i sleep a lot in sch. being leepy makes u cranky and dat is a partial reason why i'm not enjoying sch.

i try very hard to maintain frenships that i treasure. some smart person actually said many years ago that your sec sch friends are those that are going to be the closest. which is quite true. i'm surprised. anyway, at this age, at this time, some friendships are really hard to keep up no matter how hard you try.

i actually have a tagboard on this blog that nbdy notices.

i'm gay.

i wonder sometimes where ppl disappear to after school. its like, poof, everybody disappear. and the school is so big, sometimes you know where they are, you're just too lazy to find them. other than that, there's so many ppl you'll hardly run into ppl you know.

my ex instructor is currently taking nursing. he's the ultimate laojiao.

i dun quite like my life, but i'm surviving ain't i. but i'm always up for lan and movies and dinners and lunches and breakfasts and suppers and appitizers and watching plays and concerts and anything that can keep my mind off school and tear inducing cadavers and sleep inducing textbooks.

so now you know more abt me than i ever cared to reveal. any more questions?



if you were going to be afraid of the thorns, then you should never have fell in love with the roses in the first place. so it isn't my last post after all. stuck here in vietnam, getting conned by all the people here. but the good thing is alcohol is freaking cheap. vodka for 3 bucks? where do u find that kind of deal in singapore man. i wish i could get wasted every night, but dat just wouldn't be right. nor healthy. half way through, and my money's almost gone. perhpas i shouldn't have splurged. its never going to happen is it?



the last post
be careful what you water your dreams with. water them with worry and fear, and you will produce weeds that choke the life from you dream. wat them with optimism and solutions and you will cultivate successes. so what happens if i water them with hate. will i end up breeding only blants that will bear fruits that will fill me with even more hatred and disappointment. i didn't expect to feel so much. i didn't expect leaving it all behind will actually tug at my heart strings. haven't i've been looking forward to it ever since i took my first step in? why is it i still feel this way then. it scares me how my thoughts never takes a rollercoaster turn when i least expect it. oh and why did meryl withdraw. i think she looks astoundingly wonderful even with what appears as messy hair. and the fact that she comes from the alma mater meant that i might have just voted for her through the competition. oh well i guess thats it. imagine a land where the green fairy sits among the magic mushrooms. thats where i'm headed for. ciao.



gone, going, gone, everything's gone.

3:58 29 June 2006. i'm tired. and in a state of confusion and revoltion and disgust and disdain, i've decided to shut down this place. i thank my audience but with every end comes a new beginning. and now i need to start anew. kbye.



right. so this is how freedom tastes like. no more free medical services, no more late night soccer betting, no more cheap haircuts, no more free baskets of durians for my eating pleasure, no more bunks, no more black hair, no more returning of salute, no more embarassment of not knowing stuff all your men noe. so this is how freedom is. getting to feel the first taste of it. it'll be all over in two days. next week i get back my pink ic and hopefully everything will be fine again. hopefully i can pick on stuff i left abt in pieces all around the place. hopefully i can piece them back together again and move on. now what i need, is money, an income, a job, new shoes, new hair, new bag, new laptop, new hobbies, new friends. hell i dun need new frens. i dun even have time for the old ones. haha. its going to be lunch after dinner after lunch after dinner after lunch with a whole host of ppl now. and then hopefully i can fly overseas. but for all that to happen, i need money. did i mention dat already? so someone please pluck some money off trees for me. or i could just invest all my winnings so far into more bets, and hopefully win more. or lose all and then just go jump off my building. so THIS is how freedom really tastes like. a scholarship would fit in perfectly fine now. and i'm so sorry, but some things have really changed my mind. my impression of you has taken a whole new turn, and i dun see the need to even care or think abt stuff anymore. but right now, freedom is still at bay. won't be sleeping anytime within the next 48 hours. mini huge exercise going on these 2 days. sort of like a farewell gift for me i guess. so pink ic, and freedom, and an empty bank account wait for me. i'll be coming soon. 2 MORE DAYS.



unrefreshed memories.


if everything goes well, and everything goes as planned, this would be my last week in the army for a long time to come. but knowing stuff never ever happen that easily for me, i'm not gonna feel totally relieved yet. i've got a whole long list of things i really need to do, ppl i need to talk to, but there's no time. wouldnt it be wonderful if time can be bought. so if you're rich you could buy time. or if i had a superpower where i could stop time. just imagine the possibilities. i never need to sleep again. i can't just stop time, sleep, and then when i'm totally refreshed i can get back to my life my unstopping time. but nonetheless thats not going to happen. how about if i could be at two to three places at one time. what if i could control each individual self in all the parallel universes. then i could be in camp, and watching a concert with a friend, exploring overseas with another group of friends, and at the same time chilling out at home. just imagine the power of that. i'll be the happiest guy around. BUT dats not going to happen as well, so why do i even bother. such things only lead to disappoinment. anyway i'm sleep deprived. i swear sleeping is a form a luxury i can't afford, not when i'm out of camp. haven't ahd 6 hours of sleep in total for the past two days, but in exchange i had a great time. in a concotion of rum and vodka, soccer and reckless driving, my mind is still hazy abt what i actually did that made the time pass so fast. and the worst thing is, i realise there isn't going to be much more chances for this to happen. 4 months maybe? i can already see the end, and each second the clock ticks, is a second closer to the end. i must treasure what i have, and not yearn for what i don't have. only that way would i be happy. okay that is phrased in an oversimplified form. utopian form. i mean, which human has no yearnings. which human is satisfied with what he has, and not want more. the forbidden fruit is always ssweeter, and nature dictates that disappointment is set to befall on those who yearn for too much. or for the impossible. just like me. but thats only cos you once told me, impossible is nothing. or did you? SO, as i ramble on, why not lets plan as to when we should hit the bottles aagin. alcohol induced haze always takes your trouble away. care to join me? oh and by the way, if anybody knows where i can get good mtvs, please drop me a message. there are some stuff which i'm looking for but i can't seem to find. yeah. and just so you know, i'm really sorry. guilt definitely isn't something fun to play around with. forgive me?



mixed emotions

i'm really pissed off with the arc and the mindef ppl. they are so inefficient, everything else in the army seems to be of quality efficiency. you call them and they either don't pick up, or promise you they will call you back soon but never do. either dat or they push the blame to someone else and say that i can't do anything abt it. so i pester them everyday, but it doesn't get things done. and it makes my blood boil. it doesn't take much effort does it, just to help me out. time is ticking. i feel as if i'm on a death sentence and i really dun have the luxury of time. i can't afford it. argh. fucking army recruitment centre. anyway on the other hand i feel relieved. not abt the previous issue, but abt something else i've been hyped on for a long time. i feel like i no longer need to care. as if the strings have been cut and i've been detached from all that i've cared about. its quite a load actually. and it helps to let it go. returning to the peace i once managed to find within myself, or at least bury it deep enough to see the joy of silver linings of dark clouds. and did i mention i really really really hate my parents? i would kill them one day if my life goes on as it is. i would. okay maybe i won't but i can't wait to get out of a home that in my heart no longer exists. i've turned cold, and you are not going to make me disappointed ever again. so why dun you just throw rocks at me, and i'll hope one big one might just take me out.



there has been something abt horoscope dat led me into believing certain things abt it. its just that when u read up abt it, u do realise it isn't false in its entirety. in fact, the personality discriptions of some people i know match perfectly. and then there are other factors abt horoscope which are absolutely true, but of which i would not wish to elaborate upon. so the point is am i too naive to believe in things like this, or do they have some truth in it. read up on ur own horoscope, and you tell me. anyway there's one thing i dun understand. how can her hair seem so messy and out of place, but yet works in a way that makes her look utterly stunning. everything matched so perfectly. there isnt any right word that comes to my mind now to describe it. and when i do find the word, i'll tell you again.

and as usual, one more night passes, just wondering alone.



went out with some friends to a seafood restaurant for dinner. the kind where you actually look at the crabs and fishes and lobsters in the tank, choose which one you want, pick them and then the restaurant cooks it for you. sure, the food was great. but looking at those crabs, crawling over one another, biologically alive but otherwise dead, being trapped to be eaten without any choice of a different destiny. it sorts of eats into you. the kind of suffering other living things have to go through just for us to have a decent meal. i'm sure i won't swear off seafood, but that horrible feeling would probably keep me away from it for some time. at least not these fresh ones anymore. i'm not quite sure what you're saying. everything's a perhaps, a maybe, a void which i can't seem to fill. its my desire to understand, but certainly not a privilege granted for me. i can't read deep enough and everything is vague, so tell me i'm not supposed to. cos right now i'll just assume i'm too old for all that.



did you get my message
the one i left
while i was trying to condense everything
that i meant in a minute or less when i called to confess
and make all of my stresses go bye-bye

do you ever wonder what happens to the words that we send
do they bend, do they break from the flight that they take
and come back together again, with a whole new meaning
and a brand new sense, completely unrelated to the one i sent

time has just flown by during this past 10 days. i probabaly didn't use the opportunity as well i should have, and now i'm stuck again. you know when ppl say they can forget but can't forgive, i think its totally wrong. forgiving is so much easier, its the forgetting part that just demands too much out of you. but then again, i forgot how the original saying goes anyway. i guess there are still many things that i would need to learn. to trust. trusting. the word looks so much easier to do than it actually is. okae i promise i won't read too much into what you say, just as much as i hope you would do likewise for mine.



say it isn't so
how she easily come, and she easy go
please don't tell her that i've been meaning to miss her
because i don't

because i'm crazy like the rest of us
but i'm crazier when i'm next to her
and it's amazing how she's so self-assured
but i know she'd hate me if she knew my words
do i hurt anymore
do i hurt, well
well i don't

just forget it. you're just a little more than nothing. wake up and go back to where you belong.


i'm sure it isn't your fault. i went to sleep so drunk that i woke up still dizzy. and i thank you for it.



new revelations keep you tired. ppl who suddenly spoil your plans make you tired. stealing makes you tired. knowing that you missed out on goals, and have to go watch the news just for replays make you very tired. havign very little sleep for the whole week, despite staying out of camp keeps you permanently tired. but denial is the worst. denial doesn't even leave you with enough energy left to just sleep.



and if i can't fall asleep tonight, if my eyes are kept open from words which burn deep into my head, from tears that lingers on as long as the thoughts that refuse to fade -- whos going to sing me to sleep. whos going to tell me tht everything's all right. whos going to save a wreck like me.sleep tight. i won't be there anymore. i swear i won't return back here again. burn off wats left of the candle, or just blow it out. fade into darkness, and that way nobody can see how broken you are. no one will be there to light the flame again. dun talk to me abt all these, i beg you.



there are may things i really shudn't be bothering myself with. far too many. i'm getting too involved in things i shud have let go off a far long time ago. history catches up with you all the time. i hate secrets. i hate the way secrets are never kept secret. i hate the way that sooner or later bits of it would reveal itself but never the whole thing. i hate the way they tease, especially when they tease at bringing foreboding news. and when they finally spring the trap on you, its easy to get devastated sometimes. so don't keep secrets from me. i hate it, and i hate all those who keep them. i hate the army. ( no i don't hate it, in case i get thrown to jail ) i hate the way i'm missing out on friends, missing out on great concerts, missing out on life in general because of the army. i hate sweating. the sticky feeling really sucks. i hate hypocrites. i hate those who disagree with me when i'm in a pissed off mood. i hate some people all the time, i hate it when they talk to me because i just don't want to talk to them. i hate when they dun realise i look down on them, cos it makes me feel bad. i hate it that people whom i'm expecting a reply from dun reply to me, and keep me waiting in the dark. i hate it when u lie to me, when u refuse to admit to your own mistake. i hate it when i dun know enough. and i hate it that you are the one who caused me to not know enough. basically i hate many things, and many ppl. it started off with one thing, but then just went on and on. such is a life dat i live in everyday. full of hatred. i really wish i could bring myself to hate some other things though. not because i want to hate them, not becasue i have any reason to dislike them, but its only through hate that u gain comptent, and with contempt you lose desire. without desire i'll be free once more. so why can't i just hate you and make my life easier. the sequence of this whole thing doesn't flow, but the missing parts are still better left unsaid.



personally? i think it sucks to the core when you think you know your friends, and then you realise you don't. you find out things which happened to your friends since a long time ago. things you never knew. you could have wished her well, but you never knew. you blame your friend for not sharing with you. but thats not right either. you take a step back and you realise you weren't quite there for your friend anymore. things have changed. for better or for worse, things have changed. i need to move on from the age where things were black and white to the digital age. i blame myself for all these. so personally? i think it sucks when dat happens.

But if you want to leave take good care
Hope you find a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad air
Beware

damn the drunkards. go away u f-ing drunks.

every step that i take closer, i feel like i'm moving further away. can anybody tell me why.


do you ever have times when you really look forward to something, but when it comes, it just comes and goes and before you know it, its over. and you don't feel anything. you thought you would be happy, but no. it becomes just another day in your life. sure, memories stay, but the thing is, you can't look back and think why weren't you happy when it was something you really wanted. perhaps its because you only thought you wanted it. but deep down inside, it was only what your mind wanted, not what your heart wanted. not wat you really wanted. and then you feel cheated. so much time, so much effort put in, but it didn't pay off. ultimately you still have to go after what your heart wants, if you really want to be happy. but isn't it too late, when you only come to discover it at the end. perhaps it was a big mistake on my part. and it certainly isnt the first time i've made such a mistake either. when would i ever learn.

i was very angry at not having had the chance to stay out on friday night, but i realised if i did, i wouldn't have found out you lived so close to where i was located to the past 6 months. just across the expressway. i've walked past your house countless times, spent many guard duties staring at your house, but i never realised. i only realised, bcause a chain of events led me to it. thus, other than realising that having faith pays off most of the time, i've come to another belief dat everything happens for a reason.

its easy, very easy to believe good things happen for a reason. but when it comes to the time when the numbers dun add up and your cards are a losing hand, thats when its hard to believe that there is a reason for that to happen. but now, as i look back, i realised all that had happened to me, all that i tot was nothing but a downhill slide, led to significant moments which soon added up to success. and better still, it placed me in a position, where i was now better off as compared to how i would been if life had went smoothly. sure, at that particular point of time, you wouldn't have been able to think rationaly, and you'll blame everybody for the fact that your world seems to be caving in on you. but live on. stay strong, live on, try to make ammendments, use the opportunites that present themselves to you wisely, be open to changes, and never give up. and then if you have the chance, look back in retrospective a year for now, and you will find yourself better off. failures give you disappointment and sadness, but if you never felt disappointment and sadness, how would you know wat hope and joy is. if life always went smoothly for you, when would you learn to appreciate your life. you can never find true friends until you've seen the worst side of them, hated them and argued with them, cos only then would you be able to learn how to accept each individual for who they are, and grow to love their faults cos its all that makes them unique. its only when they teach you sadness, can you learn happiness. smooth isn't good, rough is.

so a small piece of advice -- that is definitely not of any originality, keep your faith that all things happen for a reason. perhaps you won't know it yet, but if it didn't happen as you would have wanted it to be, then it wasn't meant to be. dun feel sad for too long, and just carry on living. another path in life was chosen for you because you would have been meant for something much better in life. and always belief in delayed gratification. it really feels much better.



i'm glad i realised i've found a goal. something i can work towards. its small, but at least its something. anyway to all the june babies, happy birthday! its twenty this year. to the birthday gal today, lets meet up everyday this year! sounds like a plan huh, considering that its been four years in a row. could become a tradition. i'm suddenly excited. i few renewed and less jaded. things are looking up adn i have one less person to kill after today. isn't life beautiful. right, thats stretching it. do reply soon.



its all over soon. just one more freaking wk. 7 days. 0 bookouts. then its all over. i'm fried beyond belief, and my whole face is peeling. and the worst thing s, its only ceratin parts of my body. resulting in awful lines dividing my body into awful sections. now i dunno how to even out all these tan. anyway in between all these rehersals, i realised that its the end. as in, when i was young, i had this plan laid out for me. get into gep, get into ri, get into rjc, go into army, go into ocs then finally get into medicine. it was like a distinct parth which i had mapped out for myself. i didn't have to think abt what i had to do next, but mostly just how i have to do it. but right now at the end of this path, there's only so much pride which i can busk in, and more than anything else, i'm feeling hollow and empty. i've come to realise i'm still missing something. the missing pieces of a puzzle, the key to the lock, the answer to the riddle. it doesn't feel right but the most awful thing is, i have no idea what i'm missing. its like assembling something to a state of near completeness, but somehow it wouldn't work cause there's a piece missing but the manual doesn't tell u wat it is, and there are no parts left in the original packaging. you have to tear everything apart to find out wat it is, and then go out to find it for yourself. thats how fustrated i feel right now. maybe i'm missing long term goals. maybe i've reached a stage where i have no more long term goals. everything i set now is far into the future, and is definitely going to have a bearing on how i live out the rest of my life. currently, thats too much for me to handle. i like small accomplishable steps, not huge daunting tasks. but is it fear, or is it ignorance, or worse still apathy. colonel ong mentioned that life is like a compass course, u set ur direction, know your pace and just head towards your goal. no shortcuts, no easy way out. you just have to overcome all the obstacles in your way, even if it means sidestepping it, or just taking it in your stride and move on. perhaps i'm just missing this compass direction. this whole chunk probably doesn't make sense to anyone other than myself. its a race i've got to complete but i can't cos i missed out on a check point in between. now i've got to go back to the check point and complete the task so that i can end this race. its going to waste time but at least i've got a clue i can work on. its the right clue this time, i hope.

anyway abt the italics, its from odd thomas by dean koontz. highly recommended for angsty ppl like me. somehow i learnt quite a bit from a fictional book. which must just come to show how shallow a life i've been leading. anyway, it just meant that weirdness is perfectly fine. intriguing and enchanting even. adds a touch of personality that makes u stand out from the rest. but its a fine line between being weird an djust plain screwed up. screwed-up-ness is an unforgiveable trait which banishes one to the btm of the well. so just dun become screwedup. and thats what it all means. it just happened dat i tot it made perfect sense, but you're far from treading the line. or at least so i think, i never really trust myself anymore and everything is doubtable. i hope you're not insulted.

and a side reminder to myself. i am not to drink wine at wedding dinners anymore on an empty stomach. first, you feel as if the alcohol is corroding your stomach, and then soon after you get woozy. then when the food comes, you can't really enjoy it. which i really really really really damningly regret now, the morning after. i mean how often do i get to eat such good food. argh.


its been a long year. and i'm glad it all paid off. surprisingly the elation doesn't last long. delayed gratification? its not meant for me perhaps. i fall i rise and i'll never want to fall again. alert : boring week ahead. keep me entertained. sms me. haha. take care though, those flying off today, tml, anytime soon. buy back presents for me.


red! i definitely think red's nice. but the point is, i think you should go with whatever you're comfortable with. or happy with for that matter. or pleased with. or satisfied with. its you, not your dress. certain kind of weirdness can be hip, but screwed-upness never is. it wasn't gentlemanly of me to deny you your weirdness. so, surprise me, like you always do. but dun you think a dress could possibly make a wonderful birthday gift. perhaps, perhaps not. haha.

But I hardly know this beauty by my side
I'll never forget the way you look tonight


oh and by the way, i'm free in july! yeah. at least i hope so. if any weekend escapades are going on in july please keep me informed.

and one more week to d-day. counting down. 7 days. a stone wears down to sand, but from this grain of sand, an oyster forms a pearl. a pearl of hope. please remember you promised to pray for me. i hope i get to explore the wonders of delayed gratification. its this new concept of life i try to live by. delayed gratification. not sure yet how it works, but hopefully it does.


frankly speaking, i'm much too worried abt myself to be worried abt anyone else. i'm filled with angst and i seek sanity to balance my life. i dun need anymore upsets. i live in a dysfunctional family with dysfunctional parents. why can't they keep their problems to themselves. i sometimes wish they could disappear from my life, give me peace and quiet. i wish people wouldn't share their problems. i hate work. i hate laughter. recently i've been having outbursts of temper at ppl who didn't want anything else but a little fun. i've been irritated and i've told ppl to fuck off right in their faces but sometimes ppl dun get it. and i hate it. i CANNOT UNDERSTAND. i cannot comprehend. i cannot make out why i'm degrading. i've lost my mind again. i will try to find it back, and all that i've lost with it. i hate this world and all its problems and i hate everything else abt the way you seem to be. but i'm dysfunctional and you're not, so i guess it shudn't really matter.

let me in, to see you in the morning light
to get me on and all along the tears they come
see all come, i want you to believe in life
but i get the strangest feeling that you've gone away
will you find out who you are too late to change?

i wish i could be every little thing you wanted
all the time, sometimes.

i understand. i really do. its hard to piece together a picture but i'm sure it'll make sense somehow.

vous êtes à vous.

its always nice to be happy ain't it. i'll be happy, soon.


all it took was all of 2 days to get me madly in love with Stormy. and how it tore my heart when she left my life.

for a moment, i felt hollow, and then this hollowness soon made way for sadness. she seemed like such the perfect lady a guy could ever have and hopefully i'll be able to meet one just like Stormy soon enuf. meet someone whom could really be my destiny, someone whom i could have conversations which were abt nothing but still just abt everyting, someone who is the one true thing dat remains constnat amongst this constantly changing world.

and what i still dun understand, is dat if you really dislike someone so much, dat he gets on ur nerves and you have nothing but negative comments for him, why still go out with him. its simple questions like dat which complicates my thinking, and i dun like complications. if only i could tear my feelings away from reality. perhaps dat would undo the knots in this complication. hopefully i'll soon be able to find myself some tangible answers.

"my entries are undated because i only come home once a week and i normally just pile up my thoughts of the week and write everything down at one go. so dates dun really matter. anyway who cares what you do on which days? heh its not like i've been blogging very long anyway. but time really flies. i was looking at this 8days from march 2004, advertising shrek 2, and i realised dat i still remeber the day i watched it. and its been 2 years? i wish i could actually pause time now. i'm glad you're no longer on a vendetta with, ya, you know who.

exams are over soon, rite? then major hols. but watever it is dun give up on school. remember dat your life is about getting a highly trusted job in a bank, before whisking away all the money from under their noses and then spending the rest of ur life dancing on a sunny island! haha. dats wat your life is, and dun forget it. do little things to surprise urself each day! splurge on a more than decent desert and some fancy restaurant, skip school for a week and fly urself away to a holiday resort, buy a kitchen knife and go kill the top 5 ppl on ur hate list! now dat would make u happy won't it.

i have a hell long of time more before i commission, if i even do commission. haha i'll demand that you attend when the time comes. heh. and yeah c6 sure was easy to beat. -XXX "